Walking away.....

It's 2 years since we left our baby in the hospital bed.  After making the painful decision of disconnecting him from the ventilator,  we hug him kiss  and had to walk away from the room.  I will never forget the hallway,  the nurses,  the faces of other parents staring thru the window of their childrens rooms.  Today the sorrow takes over,  the pain,  the Im so mad.  Why is my baby not here?  Nothing can prepare you for the moment of walking away knowing they won't be there tomorrow.

Today I had to walk away from a burial site a cemetery a area where my child was bury. Today I learned that Gos had promised Sarah Abrahams wife that she will bear a child.  She waited 25 years.   It happen.  Today we hold tight to a promise of resurection.  But I don't want to wait.  Faith is rock is tested every day that passes by everyday that our children are gone.  It's so hard to breathe thru this time.

2 Years -2 boys

A year ago I brought home a beautiful baby boy ,  Kyle.  He is a lifesaver.  A hope for the future.  My sunshine my Rainbow.  2 years ago I was rush behind an ambulance because my husband and I had found our baby Boy Jayden and he had stop breathing.   I honestly thought at first there was no tomorrow.  The physical pain the shock.  I felt so cheated.  Completely unfair.   I was fortunate to get pregnant right away and the pregnancy help me cope with the pain.

The first year I fell asleep crying every single day. There was no time that passed by that I was not thinking of Jayden.   My girls who were suppose to be the older sisters didn't allow me to stay in bed and cry all day. They needed their mommy, but at night it was just pain memories those horrible days.

 Today we are reminded of the day when I put facing up a perfectly healthy loved boy to take a nap.  And not even two hours later he had stop breathing.  I will never stop asking why. This second year it's been easier bringing Kyle home and Yes I have worry every minute about what if he were to stop breathing?  I believe that the first few months I was almost expecting it?  I was so terrify,  I wouldn't sleep and then Kyle made it over 7 weeks and there was hope that he will probably make it.  However,  this second year I find myself more angry.  I have had so many moments of rage.  I can't stand the stupidity of people.  I'm less tolerable.   I understand pain more,  but I don't understand why recycling will take your sleep? Or why people complaint so much about their kids keeping them up,  their kids tantrums or a million other things when they should be happy their children are alive.

I talk about Jayden openly.   I know one day we will have him back but it makes me so mad that he is not here with his sibblings that he is not here been a 2 year old having tantrums.  Learning the alphabet.  Singing dancing.   We are always missing him.  Every moment that is significant in our life's will forever be incomplete.  Today I don't wish I was gone I have 3 beautiful children who are amazing.  They lightened our load everyday.  They make us /smile.  But I will forever be incomplete.   I miss my baby Jayden so much.  I long to hold him.

 I hate this date,  I do wish along with most bereaved  parents that it didn't exist.  That it was removed from the calendar.  This will be a painful reminder until we see our baby back . A remainder of how far we are from the last time our baby was just fine.

The week of...

It's Sunday December 15th,  in 6 days my baby Jayden will have been 2.  He is been gone for 1 year 10 months and 9 days.  The reality is that yes the pain is not as intense but is still there.  It's like it's been molded into our lives.  There is days where the grief takes over and physically it seems impossible to keep on.  Other days are easier.  The biggest lesson I have learned is to be gentle to myself.  It pains me to interact with friends who decide its better not to mention him.  HE EXISTED!!! I want to scream.  As the days approach a date where I will have been so excited to see my baby be 2.  I'm reminded that he is gone.

There is something that bothers me so much.  It's all the moms that complaint to me about how they are bored with their children, or the moms that constantly complaint that their children are not behaving.  I feel like telling them.  What did you expect? I feel like telling them you have your kid.  I will much rather been in their place than mine.  They get to see their children everyday the closest I get to see my son is in a picture in our wall.

Something that brings me so much grief is family pictures.  I have written about this.  Last year we didn't take any pictures.  This year we took pictures of our kids early in the year.  And everyone kept asking about a family picture.  No one seems to understand our family is not together.  After much talk before our anniversary we took some family pictures.   I still haven't been able to put it up because its so incomplete.  My 4 year old suggested to keep two family pictures together one with baby Jayden and one with baby Kyle.  I know it may not seem like a huge dilemma for many but it is for me.

I do feel more in peace than I did a year ago but this week brings plenty of anxiety and pain.

18 Months

Can you believe it?  It's 18 months since the last time we got to kiss our first baby boy.  Tears come down non-stop.  Oh how long until I hold him again?  Life is been a serious roller coaster.  Is been easier the past six months having Kyle around.  Kyle is such a good baby.  He makes me smile but no matter how many good moments we have, how much of a connection we have establish ; we miss our baby so much.  Is true the pain is not as intense as it was once but we missed him so very much.  I'm distracted having three kids under 4 it's work but it doesnt mean im over it; i could never be!!! not a day goes by that I don't think about him.

Jayden honey, mommy and daddy miss you and love you so much.  We will always will. Jayda  is going to be 4 this month she talks about you all the time.  How much she wants to get to paradise to hold you.  How much she wants to take you to the swings outside in the yard.  She is such a good girl patient, loving, caring she loved you since the first moment she saw you.  She is looking forward to seeing you one day I know it.  Kylie what can I say?  She will be 3 at the end of september.  She is known to be trouble.  Stubborn vey active,  but extremely loving.  She calls you baby Jayden in the wall because she sits your pictures in the wall.  Kyle he is getting big.  He is 6 months .  He is more like Jayda, he is very independent.  He starting to recognize and interact much more.  Im sure he will miss you so much and i hope it soon we have you in our arms again.

We are not complete we will never be complete until you are with us.  I had a sad dream on Sunday.  A dream about you it was 3 am when I woke up I was crying and we were moving and you were coming with us but you were in a box.  It was so painful.   When I woke up I talked to daddy and he said its 18 months since you stop breathing I could see the pain the shadow that never leaves your daddy's eyes.  Oh baby....We will always love you.

Mommy.

Life....

Jayden would have been a year and half just 2 days ago.  I can't stand time.  I miss him so much.  It is so painful to have other children and you step back as a mom you look at them together playing, jumping, fighting, arguing, or just been silly and you know there is someone missing.

Our kids are our life.  Our girls are so special.  Jayda is so sensitive so loving so caring she is known since she was born as the such good girl, Kylie keeps us in our toes. She is so loving and so stubborn.   Kyle is such a good baby.  So much more calm.  Jayden was so active.  Even at 6 weeks he was rolling.  Kyle is now almost 5 months and he master rolling about a month ago.  Life is so much more easier with him.  I been sad sometimes I just look at him and I have to smile.  But I still cry I still miss his brother.  It's unfair that my girls and him don't have Jayden.

Kyle does seem to resemble Jayden; sometimes I see so much of Jayden in him.  I give him a million hugs each day.  Life doesn't change the much these days.  We are more gentle on ourselves and are trying to hard to enjoy time,  but it's so painful and so hard when you know ur baby is gone.

First Visit to the Cemetery

We are finally having the headstone put in Jayden's burial site.  I was there today for the first time since we bury him.  It felt like the coldest place in the planet.  It is a very peaceful place.  Surrounded by beautiful trees.  But the silence and the shivering feeling brakes your heart.

I felt my heart racing, panic, so much pain.  My knees kept bending my stomach hurt so much and the tears wouldn't stop.  It feels like it was just yesterday and its been 14 months and 10 days since our baby took his last breath.  It's so painful to know this is the last time we would buy something for our baby.  This is our last gift.  This is it.  Sometimes it doesn't feel like it happen, sometimes it's so real and sometimes the routine and time just keep you going like you are walking dead.  Jared had been there many times.  I just never got myself to go.  Cemeteries have always frightened me.

This year I find myself so angry at everyone.  The insensitive of people has make me wish they will experience just an hour of my pain. I will never be the excited fun person that I was.  Even when I smile there seems to always be a shadow nearby, a shadow of pain that clouds everything around. Today,  the intensity of this pain brought me back to the very early days when all I wanted was to sleep and wish I was gone as well.  This is no life to live like this.  And I'm asking God please we need this to be over.  I want the end to come.   I need to see my baby again.  How is it that people live with this pain with this emptiness for  so many years?

Is it Real?

Jayden was 45 days old when he stop breathing.  Two days later when he was 47 days old we walk away from the hospital room leaving our baby who at the point was gone....  I can still feel the pain in my stomach as the memory never leaves my body.  When this past sunday morning came and Kyle was 45 days I was terrify that something will happen.  I felt like I was walking half dead and that any minute the monitor was going to go off.  Today Kyle is 47 days old.  The day is almost over and he still here.  We took him to the pediatric for a  follow up and he is just fine growing, getting so big.  He weights 12.8 lbs.  He is a great eater.  All of the sudden in my mind something was taken off my shoulders.

 Is it real?  My baby still here. Is Kyle really going to stay?  I'm trying to treasure all the moments I have with Kyle afraid of tomorrow. 

I miss Jayden so much that words cant describe exactly what i feel.  My heart is so broken.  Kyle looks so much like him.   Kyle has help us smile once again but it feels so incomplete. 

I will never forget you Jayden.  Never baby.  The love between you and I will never die. 

1st. Year -

Jayden, baby.

Today, marks a year since we walk away out of the hospital without you.  Every detail of February 4th when you stop breathing to February 6th, is there when I close my eyes.  I have been so afraid this year. Afraid of time passing by the world moves forward and you are missing.  Afraid of loosing your sisters or your dad.  Afraid of making new memories.

I have spent at least half of the time crying.  Almost every night going to sleep with tears that do not stop.  The pain doesnt ever go away.  The reminders of how big you will be today.  its been a blessing to have your brother at home today.  The resemblence of you in him is beyond what I can take sometimes.  Im  afraid of loosing him.  Its just so upsetting so painful to know you are not here.  I promise that I will never stop loving you and I will keep on until the day comes that I can hold you again.

I keep dreaming about you and in my dreams you always grow up.  In my dreams you never die and I try convince people in my dreams that look you did not die. Im sorry you dont get to share your life with us today, but we have faith that you will someday. I will give my life for you to live yours but unfortunately DEATH is an enemy we cant beat.  I want you to know that your sisters miss you.  Jayda keeps asking me when will you come back, she wants to take you to her park, which is the swingsets outside.  Kylie looks at your picture in the living room and she says my baby.  And daddy honey its ben a serious struggle to continue in this world without you.

We  will love you forever, my baby Jayden.

I can't write anymore there is so much pain I can't barely breath.
I want this date to not exist.

Kyle's Birth

Our newest addition baby boy, Kyle Aiden Brumbaugh.  He was born Thursday January 31st at 8:50pm.  He weighted 8Lbs 11.3 Ounces and measure 20 inches long.  As I was ready to push the doctors realized that his shoulder was stuck and he was not coming out so I had to get a C-section is the first time I have one which was hard considering I had 3 natural deliveries.  When Kyle was brought to me after been in the recovery room, I broke down in tears.  The resemblence between him n Jayden is so much, it looks like the exact same baby.  Just slightly lighter in skin color.  It brakes my heart that we will be bringing Kyle home a year later when Jayden left home in a ambulance and never went back. 

My heart still so broken.  I'm so scared of what could happen. 

I hate when people say oh everything will be fne. Kyle looks perfect.  thats exactly what everyone always said about Jayden n he is gone.  

We are delighted and happy that Kyle its here with us today. 

We are so broken that Jayden get to be part of this life. 

Jayden's 1st. Birthday

Today, at 1:47pm would have been my baby boy's first birthday.  I thought I was going to have the strenght to go to the cementery.  It rain until early afternoon pouring here in NJ.  Jared and I never change from our PJ's we ate sandwhiches and had bowls of chocolate ice cream.  i cried about 8 times thinking of my baby.  We received many messages from many friends.  The truth is we are very slowly learning to accept that he is gone.  The only comfort we have is that he is not suffering anywhere.  But we miss him so very much.  I need him so much.  The arrival of Kyle in a few weeks, his kicks and non-stop movement made me stop crying today.  Jayda and Kylie's smiles and huggs helped us get through this day where we would have been so proud of our baby reaching his first year.  i must learn to accept I will never be the same.
 I will never be complete.
 Oh Jayden if you just knew my baby how much mommy needs you.  I will never forget you, I promised you will forever be part of this unit.  I hold on to your pictures, to your blankie.  Your brother I'm sure will miss you as much as your sisters do today.  we hope to be reunited soon.  Please God give me so strenght - I'm not sure I can wait any longer.

My anniversary

Today makes our Fifth year anniversary. I look forward to this day every year but specially last year.  Our fourth year anniversary I was 36 weeks pregnant We did a photo shoot of the girls and us.  It was the first time and first pregnancy I got Maternity pictures.  We had fun and then we went to dinner. I remember telling Jared, Next Year we will go to Europe its one of my dreams Jayda and Kylie would be older and our little boy will be almost one. This anniversary its shadow with pain.  I dont even feel like celebrating anything.  Our girls are older but Im not sure I could leave them to go to a trip overseas.  Our baby is gone with his first birthday coming up. Im still so broken.  I'm pregnant and this pregnancy its helping Me not  stay home n cry all day long, I feel exausted.  I never thought his day will be like this.
Pain exist thats for sure.

10 Months

Yesterday Jayden would have been 10 months.  I cant believe his birthday will be here so soon.  I always complaint about how when I dream with Jayden is amazing but he always is been hold by someone else I dont get to do it.  Last night it was different there I was holding him and maybe the whole dream was not long but in the dream it was for a while.  He look big and really good my baby.  I always tell people in my dreams look he didnt die.  This time I even told my mom look im not dreaming I'm really holding him.  I showed him to everyone he just look so handsome.  Suddenly, I heard a distant voice Kylie my 2 year old say: "baby, where are you"? She had drop her bear under the crib not sure how but she couldnt see him and she was looking for him.  I looked in the monitor and I know I had to go get her.  I didnt cry right away it was beautiful to be with Jayden to hold him to give him kisses to show him.  After it all processed I broke down because its not like i choose when I dream with him, I will choose every night.  It has happened 4 times now since we lost him.  4 clear vivid dreams.  This time the dream was in color.  I could see the house the bedrooms the blankets many details.  I miss him so much.  I told my husband its not our baby in the belly because I was pregnant with this baby in my dream. 

Drowning in Pain - Unable to write

I noticed that I tend to write when I'm in so much pain, but when I write I dont even make complete sense.  Im  rewriting this post now that im calm and not crying nonstop. This is a very dark dark road. Sometimes it feels like I cant take another breath.  I have these dreams once in a while in them Jayden is always fine he is happy, he is walking normally either he is playing with our girls or Jared is holding him.  As soon as I wake up I realize my baby is gone, he is not there.  I never get to hold him in my dreams its so painful to wake up to this reality.  The word pain doesnt even describe, the torture that it is to live without him.  I feel so angry so powerless that there is nothing I can do about it he is gone.  Our girls have helped us so much, but its like a double knife I dont want to cry in front of them all the time or be sad, I want to be a good mommy for them.  Then I feel guilty if I dont think of Jayden, I feel guillty that I'm smiling without him.  I know no one that is part of my family understands because none have lost a child.  I know Jared and my sisters who spent most of the time with Jayden besides me have lost their innocense when it comes to pain and sorrow.   My youngest sister was helping me clean the closets and she found a red winter hat with mittens and a tiny scarf that she bought for Jayden last January for this year.  It was for 12 to 18 months.  She looked at it and said I'm sorry and walk away.  Its a mess up situation all around.  There is no good in what happen.  I have the hardest time not knowing what happen to Jayden, it questions the mortality of my girls of Jared of the ones I love.  

IT'S A BOY!!!

Tomorrow my baby Jayden would have been 9 months old.  I miss him so very much.  Every single day I grieve the fact that he is gone.  Today at 20 weeks pregnant we found out we are having his baby brother.  I broke down ad started crying because its terrifying its so scary to think that we may loose this baby too.  We have our two older girls and for some reason I thought that having another girl will be easier since our girls are alive and our son is gone.  The technician looked at me and said well God may be giving you a son back and Im due on February 6th the day we lost our baby.  We know God had nothing to do with Jayden been gone. We also know that God will give him back to us one day 

And its the only thing that helps today.  Its not that Im strong I have no choice I must keep going my girls, my husband and now our 

Baby boy that is growing inside my belly need me so much.  Jayden will mean everything to me always and to our unit u mommy, daddy, n sisters.  And his little brother will know how my mommy fell in love once again with his brother.  We are happy but terrify at the same time.  

Need to Write

Its been a while since I been here.  We had one of the grandmother's died at 90 years of age.  It was not as hard as we expected. Maybe its because we already experience the worst.  She had an amazing life.  We worry about grandpa just because he is 92 and when you are marry for 67 years its just painful to be alone. We been so busy taking care of all of that.  I have to say that it will be 8 months very soon since we lost Jayden.  It hurts I cry often but not as often as the first 6 months.  Also, Im 20 weeks pregnant now and I know that i have to take care of this baby that its growing so fast.  It has given us something nice and exciting to look forward to. My relationship with Jayden was so special and I miss him every single day.  im trying to stay  positive and constantly looking into the hope of resurrection that Jehovah, God has provided.  Some days I breath better than others. Its always the smal things that break me up.  

Decisions

When your child dies; All of the sudden you have to make decisions out o no where and in a short amount of time.  Where to bury your child? Do you want a get together after the funeral? What clothes to wear to the funeral? What do you want the baby to be dress like? I mean come on,  there are so many decisions and no time to think or change your mind.

Today, I was asked to think of the possibility of moving away, the possibility of going back to work.  I know it was a plan.  A decision we had made.  My baby Jayden would have been 8 months today and I would have not hesitated  a bit.  Since I lost Jayden, I do not know if I
Could ever go back to work? How can I work with baby collections and see babies all day If My sOn is NOT HERE! How can I move away to another area, another state if I would have to leave him here all alone? Am I been unrealistic?  am i been selfish with my family?
i just dont think i can do it.  i will always be in pain and missing my baby, but the thought of knowing he is bury miles and miles away terrifies me.  i just can not think now either.  i know i will break down seeing 8 month baby boys right now anywhere.  i also know that my heart will ache much more if we were to move away and I will have to leave him behind.

You live and You learn..

iI remember hearing that.  someone said that to me well you live and you learn.  No No and No.  I do not know what is my lesson.  My son died and I do not know why.  I just can not find the lesson that is why I believe is so stupid for someone to say that.  Its not like I made wrong business transaction or I tok the express train instead of local from manhattan to brooklyn.  No one has told me what was it that I did wrong.  Im in so much pain and I feel so far away from the old Kira who laugh and enjoy life so much more.  im not the same and I have not figured out what I was suppose to learn from my child dying.  

6 MONTHS

6 Months today since Jayden stop breathing while he was taking his nap.  my heart still broken today, but the last 2 months have been so hard.  i have felt so much pain that for  the past week I have been working on been ready for this weekend; I have been gentle, I have been exercising, running mostly and eating comfort dessert and stay away from stupid people who can make painful comments.  Now at 14 weeks pregnant I'm terrify for the future of this baby.  Last year when I was pregnant at this time I was so excited I had found out it was a boy and I could not be more thrilled and excited since I remember I wanted so much to have a boy. Today I'm excited but the excitement is so limited because of the fear, because I have to accept that I have taken a risk of loosing this baby.  I have gotten 3 different opinions with different ME's. I have met with three ifferent pediatrics ad till no answer.  Still no one has any idea of what happen to my baby.  Im a believer of medicine but its so painful to not know what happen.  And even tough everyone says you did everything right I feel I mess up somewhere.  if not my baby would be here.

Jayden

Oh my baby I miss you so much.  
This pain is so sharp, its beyond what I
Can take.  Your sister Jayda found a blue blanket
That someone had knitted for you in the chest
That daddy built. She was playing and took all
The blankets out. She said "mommy but where is
Jayden, I want to give him his blankie"... my tears started
To roll out nonstop. I wish you could be here. Jayda is such
A good sister.  Kylie is more in her ways but super lovable,
It hurts me so much when they ask where you are.
Its so painful.  It hurts me to think how you would have enjoy
Playing, laughing even fighting with them.  

Maxie

Today, I will take this space to share to the friends that read my blog a little bit about Maxie. Maxie was 9 and half months and a year ago he was taken from his parents by death. A year full of pain and sorrow for his mommy and daddy.  Today we take the time to remember him. Abby his mommy has been a tremendous amount of support to me with her encouraging words and understanding.  Understanding of  a rollercoaster of emotions that I know its hard for others  to understand or even imagine.  Maxie's parents are raising money in the battle against SIDS.  Here its her blog address: missingmaxie.blogspot.com.

Today, my baby, Jayden will have been 7 months. It pains my heart everyday he is not here.