10 Months

Yesterday Jayden would have been 10 months.  I cant believe his birthday will be here so soon.  I always complaint about how when I dream with Jayden is amazing but he always is been hold by someone else I dont get to do it.  Last night it was different there I was holding him and maybe the whole dream was not long but in the dream it was for a while.  He look big and really good my baby.  I always tell people in my dreams look he didnt die.  This time I even told my mom look im not dreaming I'm really holding him.  I showed him to everyone he just look so handsome.  Suddenly, I heard a distant voice Kylie my 2 year old say: "baby, where are you"? She had drop her bear under the crib not sure how but she couldnt see him and she was looking for him.  I looked in the monitor and I know I had to go get her.  I didnt cry right away it was beautiful to be with Jayden to hold him to give him kisses to show him.  After it all processed I broke down because its not like i choose when I dream with him, I will choose every night.  It has happened 4 times now since we lost him.  4 clear vivid dreams.  This time the dream was in color.  I could see the house the bedrooms the blankets many details.  I miss him so much.  I told my husband its not our baby in the belly because I was pregnant with this baby in my dream. 

Drowning in Pain - Unable to write

I noticed that I tend to write when I'm in so much pain, but when I write I dont even make complete sense.  Im  rewriting this post now that im calm and not crying nonstop. This is a very dark dark road. Sometimes it feels like I cant take another breath.  I have these dreams once in a while in them Jayden is always fine he is happy, he is walking normally either he is playing with our girls or Jared is holding him.  As soon as I wake up I realize my baby is gone, he is not there.  I never get to hold him in my dreams its so painful to wake up to this reality.  The word pain doesnt even describe, the torture that it is to live without him.  I feel so angry so powerless that there is nothing I can do about it he is gone.  Our girls have helped us so much, but its like a double knife I dont want to cry in front of them all the time or be sad, I want to be a good mommy for them.  Then I feel guilty if I dont think of Jayden, I feel guillty that I'm smiling without him.  I know no one that is part of my family understands because none have lost a child.  I know Jared and my sisters who spent most of the time with Jayden besides me have lost their innocense when it comes to pain and sorrow.   My youngest sister was helping me clean the closets and she found a red winter hat with mittens and a tiny scarf that she bought for Jayden last January for this year.  It was for 12 to 18 months.  She looked at it and said I'm sorry and walk away.  Its a mess up situation all around.  There is no good in what happen.  I have the hardest time not knowing what happen to Jayden, it questions the mortality of my girls of Jared of the ones I love.  

IT'S A BOY!!!

Tomorrow my baby Jayden would have been 9 months old.  I miss him so very much.  Every single day I grieve the fact that he is gone.  Today at 20 weeks pregnant we found out we are having his baby brother.  I broke down ad started crying because its terrifying its so scary to think that we may loose this baby too.  We have our two older girls and for some reason I thought that having another girl will be easier since our girls are alive and our son is gone.  The technician looked at me and said well God may be giving you a son back and Im due on February 6th the day we lost our baby.  We know God had nothing to do with Jayden been gone. We also know that God will give him back to us one day 

And its the only thing that helps today.  Its not that Im strong I have no choice I must keep going my girls, my husband and now our 

Baby boy that is growing inside my belly need me so much.  Jayden will mean everything to me always and to our unit u mommy, daddy, n sisters.  And his little brother will know how my mommy fell in love once again with his brother.  We are happy but terrify at the same time.  

Need to Write

Its been a while since I been here.  We had one of the grandmother's died at 90 years of age.  It was not as hard as we expected. Maybe its because we already experience the worst.  She had an amazing life.  We worry about grandpa just because he is 92 and when you are marry for 67 years its just painful to be alone. We been so busy taking care of all of that.  I have to say that it will be 8 months very soon since we lost Jayden.  It hurts I cry often but not as often as the first 6 months.  Also, Im 20 weeks pregnant now and I know that i have to take care of this baby that its growing so fast.  It has given us something nice and exciting to look forward to. My relationship with Jayden was so special and I miss him every single day.  im trying to stay  positive and constantly looking into the hope of resurrection that Jehovah, God has provided.  Some days I breath better than others. Its always the smal things that break me up.  

Decisions

When your child dies; All of the sudden you have to make decisions out o no where and in a short amount of time.  Where to bury your child? Do you want a get together after the funeral? What clothes to wear to the funeral? What do you want the baby to be dress like? I mean come on,  there are so many decisions and no time to think or change your mind.

Today, I was asked to think of the possibility of moving away, the possibility of going back to work.  I know it was a plan.  A decision we had made.  My baby Jayden would have been 8 months today and I would have not hesitated  a bit.  Since I lost Jayden, I do not know if I
Could ever go back to work? How can I work with baby collections and see babies all day If My sOn is NOT HERE! How can I move away to another area, another state if I would have to leave him here all alone? Am I been unrealistic?  am i been selfish with my family?
i just dont think i can do it.  i will always be in pain and missing my baby, but the thought of knowing he is bury miles and miles away terrifies me.  i just can not think now either.  i know i will break down seeing 8 month baby boys right now anywhere.  i also know that my heart will ache much more if we were to move away and I will have to leave him behind.

You live and You learn..

iI remember hearing that.  someone said that to me well you live and you learn.  No No and No.  I do not know what is my lesson.  My son died and I do not know why.  I just can not find the lesson that is why I believe is so stupid for someone to say that.  Its not like I made wrong business transaction or I tok the express train instead of local from manhattan to brooklyn.  No one has told me what was it that I did wrong.  Im in so much pain and I feel so far away from the old Kira who laugh and enjoy life so much more.  im not the same and I have not figured out what I was suppose to learn from my child dying.  

6 MONTHS

6 Months today since Jayden stop breathing while he was taking his nap.  my heart still broken today, but the last 2 months have been so hard.  i have felt so much pain that for  the past week I have been working on been ready for this weekend; I have been gentle, I have been exercising, running mostly and eating comfort dessert and stay away from stupid people who can make painful comments.  Now at 14 weeks pregnant I'm terrify for the future of this baby.  Last year when I was pregnant at this time I was so excited I had found out it was a boy and I could not be more thrilled and excited since I remember I wanted so much to have a boy. Today I'm excited but the excitement is so limited because of the fear, because I have to accept that I have taken a risk of loosing this baby.  I have gotten 3 different opinions with different ME's. I have met with three ifferent pediatrics ad till no answer.  Still no one has any idea of what happen to my baby.  Im a believer of medicine but its so painful to not know what happen.  And even tough everyone says you did everything right I feel I mess up somewhere.  if not my baby would be here.