Anger....WHY???

Im so angry sometimes.  I cant believe
Its true Jayden is not here.  I do I do feel guilty
For not doing things differently.  what if I
Would have taken him to nap in the swing?
What if I would have ask my husband to stay
Inside instead of going to help his brother and
Feed our girls so I could stay with Jayden?
What if I would have tell my sisters to come over
When they called the previous day?
What if he would have cry?
What if I would have let my 3 year old daughter
Go in the room and turn on the light? would I
Have found him just in time?
Why did I give him a 2 hour Nap?
Why didnt I push the pacifier?
Why didnt I bottlefed?
Why I didnt put him in the snuggle nest and brought him
To the girls bedroom?
Why I did not go change my shirt after cooking?
Why Jehovah, why him?
There is so many questions and again
Im the mom im suppose to know...
What did I do? anything else I could
Have taken, I feel so guilty.  its just NOT fair.
Its so painful..... it hurts and hurts.

pain....

Today... it seems like I was been shaken from

One side of the boat to the other.  i dont know

If everybody feels like that but I feel very lost.

Or maybe like Maxie's mommy puts it like 

Im existing not living.  i saw a baby today exactly 

Jaydens age... and normally Im okay looking at

Babies.  We love kids with Jared being one of 9 and 

Im one of 7 we just love them but I couldnt look

At the baby.  i ignored them we were at a kids party. 

Mostly 3 years old and i took my girls.  this lady id not know me

But I felt pain thinking I dont have my baby in arms. 

I cant help to ask myself what was it that I didn 

We strive to be good in all situations.  and people

Always say you are a good mommy...

Why....... us. why...

5 MONTHS....

Jayden will have been 5 months.  Oh 

I miss him so much..... I cant stand time.

I wonder what would he been doing now?

Would he be pulling himself up? like my girls did.

Would he be sitting in the high chair watching me make dinner?

This day its always a reminder.... 

We did arts and crafts yesterday and we painted a bird house.  

Jayda my 3 year old said... momma its so cute just like 

Jayden...okay I got to show it to him.  My heart feels o broken. 

She still does not understand.  I dont like the word 

"DEATH"... and for Now I refuse to tell my daughter that. 

Its interesting how many people I have met lately

That have lost kids.  I realized I become part of a circle that I dont want or

Wish anyone to join!!! 

Jayden one day I will see you again and I will hold you

So tight and you will grow and get to know your sisters. 

Know that mommy and daddy believ very much on the hope.  

Its just the waiting part its so hard my baby. 

LOST

i feel so lost lately.  im so tired and
I have gain 15 pounds in the past 3 months.
The doctor says its part of the PTSD.
Some people loose others gain of course i gain.
I cant sleep. I miss my baby Jayden, he was ll
I ever dream of.  my baby boy.  Its crazy
How hard some days can be...
We had plan to have a baby brother or sisterin 2013.
Now neither Jared o I want to wait.. But
I have so many fears.  I have read every book
Or article related to SIDS.  its just so unfair. 

PTSD

So Im officially diagnosed with PTSD.  so what
The doctor wants me to take sleeping spills
But they dont work.  I have been sleeping only
About 4 hours a day.  i drink at least 3 cups of coffe a
Day just to stay up with the girls and then
Therapy I just dont know its scary.

I read the whole ME report today and there was
NOTHING- 9 pound full term baby.   NOT
Sick at all.  Easy pregnancy.  1 hour and 20
Minute labor and delivery.  what went wrong
What did I do?  I breastfed for the first time.
I didnt push the pacifier. I have never smoke
The temperature in his room was set at 70
Degrees.  i mean what was it? what?  My child look so healthy
I mean at 6 weeks he was 14 LBS.

I just want to understand.  so having healthy children is
NOT enough.  It will never be.  and as
Much as people and doctors keep saying
IT was not your fault. it feels like it is.
I was the "MOM" it was my job to take care of him.

Pictures.... sometimes the good memories just hurt...

I finally was able to go to through the pictures of our baby; oh it hurts so much; how much i miss him; how much my heart is broken.  how much pain im in today and every day with every smile with every laugh the pain is like a shadow that is always present.  These are some of my favorite shots.  o my baby... the pain of the heart it goes beyond. 

Our girls.

Today once again I woke up our 19 month old Kylie from her nap.  Everytime she sleeps so soundly I get so scared.  Our two girls have helped us to keep going but its so painful.  I hate when people tell me you have two other kids right?  It does not matter if we had 10. Jayden was my little man.  Our oldest Jayda will be 3 in a couple of  months and she is constantly reminding me "where is my baby Jayden?"  She looks at his picture in the wall,  she points to him and says "he is so cute"  i immediately I start crying.  I have to stop myself because two seconds later she tells me its okay mama its okay.  "its going to be all better".  That is what we tell our toddlers, our preschoolers when they get hurt a kiss and its going to be all better and how do I tell her its not  all better honey.  I imagine them so many times playing together.  Jayden would have been 4 months and laughing and it just breaks my heart that he is not here with them.