1st. Year -

Jayden, baby.

Today, marks a year since we walk away out of the hospital without you.  Every detail of February 4th when you stop breathing to February 6th, is there when I close my eyes.  I have been so afraid this year. Afraid of time passing by the world moves forward and you are missing.  Afraid of loosing your sisters or your dad.  Afraid of making new memories.

I have spent at least half of the time crying.  Almost every night going to sleep with tears that do not stop.  The pain doesnt ever go away.  The reminders of how big you will be today.  its been a blessing to have your brother at home today.  The resemblence of you in him is beyond what I can take sometimes.  Im  afraid of loosing him.  Its just so upsetting so painful to know you are not here.  I promise that I will never stop loving you and I will keep on until the day comes that I can hold you again.

I keep dreaming about you and in my dreams you always grow up.  In my dreams you never die and I try convince people in my dreams that look you did not die. Im sorry you dont get to share your life with us today, but we have faith that you will someday. I will give my life for you to live yours but unfortunately DEATH is an enemy we cant beat.  I want you to know that your sisters miss you.  Jayda keeps asking me when will you come back, she wants to take you to her park, which is the swingsets outside.  Kylie looks at your picture in the living room and she says my baby.  And daddy honey its ben a serious struggle to continue in this world without you.

We  will love you forever, my baby Jayden.

I can't write anymore there is so much pain I can't barely breath.
I want this date to not exist.

Kyle's Birth

Our newest addition baby boy, Kyle Aiden Brumbaugh.  He was born Thursday January 31st at 8:50pm.  He weighted 8Lbs 11.3 Ounces and measure 20 inches long.  As I was ready to push the doctors realized that his shoulder was stuck and he was not coming out so I had to get a C-section is the first time I have one which was hard considering I had 3 natural deliveries.  When Kyle was brought to me after been in the recovery room, I broke down in tears.  The resemblence between him n Jayden is so much, it looks like the exact same baby.  Just slightly lighter in skin color.  It brakes my heart that we will be bringing Kyle home a year later when Jayden left home in a ambulance and never went back. 

My heart still so broken.  I'm so scared of what could happen. 

I hate when people say oh everything will be fne. Kyle looks perfect.  thats exactly what everyone always said about Jayden n he is gone.  

We are delighted and happy that Kyle its here with us today. 

We are so broken that Jayden get to be part of this life. 

Jayden's 1st. Birthday

Today, at 1:47pm would have been my baby boy's first birthday.  I thought I was going to have the strenght to go to the cementery.  It rain until early afternoon pouring here in NJ.  Jared and I never change from our PJ's we ate sandwhiches and had bowls of chocolate ice cream.  i cried about 8 times thinking of my baby.  We received many messages from many friends.  The truth is we are very slowly learning to accept that he is gone.  The only comfort we have is that he is not suffering anywhere.  But we miss him so very much.  I need him so much.  The arrival of Kyle in a few weeks, his kicks and non-stop movement made me stop crying today.  Jayda and Kylie's smiles and huggs helped us get through this day where we would have been so proud of our baby reaching his first year.  i must learn to accept I will never be the same.
 I will never be complete.
 Oh Jayden if you just knew my baby how much mommy needs you.  I will never forget you, I promised you will forever be part of this unit.  I hold on to your pictures, to your blankie.  Your brother I'm sure will miss you as much as your sisters do today.  we hope to be reunited soon.  Please God give me so strenght - I'm not sure I can wait any longer.

My anniversary

Today makes our Fifth year anniversary. I look forward to this day every year but specially last year.  Our fourth year anniversary I was 36 weeks pregnant We did a photo shoot of the girls and us.  It was the first time and first pregnancy I got Maternity pictures.  We had fun and then we went to dinner. I remember telling Jared, Next Year we will go to Europe its one of my dreams Jayda and Kylie would be older and our little boy will be almost one. This anniversary its shadow with pain.  I dont even feel like celebrating anything.  Our girls are older but Im not sure I could leave them to go to a trip overseas.  Our baby is gone with his first birthday coming up. Im still so broken.  I'm pregnant and this pregnancy its helping Me not  stay home n cry all day long, I feel exausted.  I never thought his day will be like this.
Pain exist thats for sure.

10 Months

Yesterday Jayden would have been 10 months.  I cant believe his birthday will be here so soon.  I always complaint about how when I dream with Jayden is amazing but he always is been hold by someone else I dont get to do it.  Last night it was different there I was holding him and maybe the whole dream was not long but in the dream it was for a while.  He look big and really good my baby.  I always tell people in my dreams look he didnt die.  This time I even told my mom look im not dreaming I'm really holding him.  I showed him to everyone he just look so handsome.  Suddenly, I heard a distant voice Kylie my 2 year old say: "baby, where are you"? She had drop her bear under the crib not sure how but she couldnt see him and she was looking for him.  I looked in the monitor and I know I had to go get her.  I didnt cry right away it was beautiful to be with Jayden to hold him to give him kisses to show him.  After it all processed I broke down because its not like i choose when I dream with him, I will choose every night.  It has happened 4 times now since we lost him.  4 clear vivid dreams.  This time the dream was in color.  I could see the house the bedrooms the blankets many details.  I miss him so much.  I told my husband its not our baby in the belly because I was pregnant with this baby in my dream. 

Drowning in Pain - Unable to write

I noticed that I tend to write when I'm in so much pain, but when I write I dont even make complete sense.  Im  rewriting this post now that im calm and not crying nonstop. This is a very dark dark road. Sometimes it feels like I cant take another breath.  I have these dreams once in a while in them Jayden is always fine he is happy, he is walking normally either he is playing with our girls or Jared is holding him.  As soon as I wake up I realize my baby is gone, he is not there.  I never get to hold him in my dreams its so painful to wake up to this reality.  The word pain doesnt even describe, the torture that it is to live without him.  I feel so angry so powerless that there is nothing I can do about it he is gone.  Our girls have helped us so much, but its like a double knife I dont want to cry in front of them all the time or be sad, I want to be a good mommy for them.  Then I feel guilty if I dont think of Jayden, I feel guillty that I'm smiling without him.  I know no one that is part of my family understands because none have lost a child.  I know Jared and my sisters who spent most of the time with Jayden besides me have lost their innocense when it comes to pain and sorrow.   My youngest sister was helping me clean the closets and she found a red winter hat with mittens and a tiny scarf that she bought for Jayden last January for this year.  It was for 12 to 18 months.  She looked at it and said I'm sorry and walk away.  Its a mess up situation all around.  There is no good in what happen.  I have the hardest time not knowing what happen to Jayden, it questions the mortality of my girls of Jared of the ones I love.  

IT'S A BOY!!!

Tomorrow my baby Jayden would have been 9 months old.  I miss him so very much.  Every single day I grieve the fact that he is gone.  Today at 20 weeks pregnant we found out we are having his baby brother.  I broke down ad started crying because its terrifying its so scary to think that we may loose this baby too.  We have our two older girls and for some reason I thought that having another girl will be easier since our girls are alive and our son is gone.  The technician looked at me and said well God may be giving you a son back and Im due on February 6th the day we lost our baby.  We know God had nothing to do with Jayden been gone. We also know that God will give him back to us one day 

And its the only thing that helps today.  Its not that Im strong I have no choice I must keep going my girls, my husband and now our 

Baby boy that is growing inside my belly need me so much.  Jayden will mean everything to me always and to our unit u mommy, daddy, n sisters.  And his little brother will know how my mommy fell in love once again with his brother.  We are happy but terrify at the same time.