It's Sunday December 15th, in 6 days my baby Jayden will have been 2. He is been gone for 1 year 10 months and 9 days. The reality is that yes the pain is not as intense but is still there. It's like it's been molded into our lives. There is days where the grief takes over and physically it seems impossible to keep on. Other days are easier. The biggest lesson I have learned is to be gentle to myself. It pains me to interact with friends who decide its better not to mention him. HE EXISTED!!! I want to scream. As the days approach a date where I will have been so excited to see my baby be 2. I'm reminded that he is gone.
There is something that bothers me so much. It's all the moms that complaint to me about how they are bored with their children, or the moms that constantly complaint that their children are not behaving. I feel like telling them. What did you expect? I feel like telling them you have your kid. I will much rather been in their place than mine. They get to see their children everyday the closest I get to see my son is in a picture in our wall.
Something that brings me so much grief is family pictures. I have written about this. Last year we didn't take any pictures. This year we took pictures of our kids early in the year. And everyone kept asking about a family picture. No one seems to understand our family is not together. After much talk before our anniversary we took some family pictures. I still haven't been able to put it up because its so incomplete. My 4 year old suggested to keep two family pictures together one with baby Jayden and one with baby Kyle. I know it may not seem like a huge dilemma for many but it is for me.
I do feel more in peace than I did a year ago but this week brings plenty of anxiety and pain.