Friday, April 27, 2012

He is remember...

Its almost 3 months now and I finally decided to open the box.  Thats where my husband will put all the cards and messages people have sent .  i know that my baby is not forgotten I feel like that because I am his mom I want to talk about him and our girls all the time and people are afraid to hurt my feelings I know that's the main reason not to metion him or because I cry almost every single time I talk about him.  I open the box 172 cards;  two letters that touch my heart.  one of them my husband cousin who was at the hospital who does not  have kids but saw the love that we have for our boy and a dear older friend of my husband who sent us a beautiful experience.  We do strongly believe in a resurrection.  and in the experience it talked about the importance of keeping the appointment to be there when Jehovah, God and his son bring our child back.  I cry a lot today reading so many messages but its finally open.  

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

how much I miss you

Loosing my precious baby boy Jayden at 6 weeks old there is no other pain like this. I cry cry and cry some more.  he is my first and last thought everyday.  this past week was the hardest the ME called after 10 weeks the autopsy is complete.  no answer whatsoever.  i just want to blame something its just not fair.  easy pregnancy, a total of 1 hour and 20 minutes in labor and delivery 9 pound baby.  just healthy and beautiful.  he was down for a nap in his back with no sign of been sick at all.  my husband found and he was gone.  the ambulance er got back a heart beat but after two days of been in ICU on life support and not breathing at all and no activity  he was declared brain dead no activity the doctor said; it was time to let go.  for a while for a long time I wouldn't accept it until last week.  I kept thinking it was not true.  i will wake up to look for him and would have to remember everything again.  i will tell everybody how much I always wanted a boy and how I was in love.  but today most people just would not talk about him.  i feel like he is been forgotten and talk to him every day I know he can not hear me, but I just want to think he here.  even though he is gone.  i never though that so much pain existed. I came to this site and felt understood many of the parents like maxie's mom.