Thursday, February 6, 2014

Walking away.....

It's 2 years since we left our baby in the hospital bed.  After making the painful decision of disconnecting him from the ventilator,  we hug him kiss  and had to walk away from the room.  I will never forget the hallway,  the nurses,  the faces of other parents staring thru the window of their childrens rooms.  Today the sorrow takes over,  the pain,  the Im so mad.  Why is my baby not here?  Nothing can prepare you for the moment of walking away knowing they won't be there tomorrow.

Today I had to walk away from a burial site a cemetery a area where my child was bury. Today I learned that Gos had promised Sarah Abrahams wife that she will bear a child.  She waited 25 years.   It happen.  Today we hold tight to a promise of resurection.  But I don't want to wait.  Faith is rock is tested every day that passes by everyday that our children are gone.  It's so hard to breathe thru this time.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

2 Years -2 boys

A year ago I brought home a beautiful baby boy ,  Kyle.  He is a lifesaver.  A hope for the future.  My sunshine my Rainbow.  2 years ago I was rush behind an ambulance because my husband and I had found our baby Boy Jayden and he had stop breathing.   I honestly thought at first there was no tomorrow.  The physical pain the shock.  I felt so cheated.  Completely unfair.   I was fortunate to get pregnant right away and the pregnancy help me cope with the pain.

The first year I fell asleep crying every single day. There was no time that passed by that I was not thinking of Jayden.   My girls who were suppose to be the older sisters didn't allow me to stay in bed and cry all day. They needed their mommy, but at night it was just pain memories those horrible days.

 Today we are reminded of the day when I put facing up a perfectly healthy loved boy to take a nap.  And not even two hours later he had stop breathing.  I will never stop asking why. This second year it's been easier bringing Kyle home and Yes I have worry every minute about what if he were to stop breathing?  I believe that the first few months I was almost expecting it?  I was so terrify,  I wouldn't sleep and then Kyle made it over 7 weeks and there was hope that he will probably make it.  However,  this second year I find myself more angry.  I have had so many moments of rage.  I can't stand the stupidity of people.  I'm less tolerable.   I understand pain more,  but I don't understand why recycling will take your sleep? Or why people complaint so much about their kids keeping them up,  their kids tantrums or a million other things when they should be happy their children are alive.

I talk about Jayden openly.   I know one day we will have him back but it makes me so mad that he is not here with his sibblings that he is not here been a 2 year old having tantrums.  Learning the alphabet.  Singing dancing.   We are always missing him.  Every moment that is significant in our life's will forever be incomplete.  Today I don't wish I was gone I have 3 beautiful children who are amazing.  They lightened our load everyday.  They make us /smile.  But I will forever be incomplete.   I miss my baby Jayden so much.  I long to hold him.

 I hate this date,  I do wish along with most bereaved  parents that it didn't exist.  That it was removed from the calendar.  This will be a painful reminder until we see our baby back . A remainder of how far we are from the last time our baby was just fine.