Tuesday, February 4, 2014

2 Years -2 boys

A year ago I brought home a beautiful baby boy ,  Kyle.  He is a lifesaver.  A hope for the future.  My sunshine my Rainbow.  2 years ago I was rush behind an ambulance because my husband and I had found our baby Boy Jayden and he had stop breathing.   I honestly thought at first there was no tomorrow.  The physical pain the shock.  I felt so cheated.  Completely unfair.   I was fortunate to get pregnant right away and the pregnancy help me cope with the pain.

The first year I fell asleep crying every single day. There was no time that passed by that I was not thinking of Jayden.   My girls who were suppose to be the older sisters didn't allow me to stay in bed and cry all day. They needed their mommy, but at night it was just pain memories those horrible days.

 Today we are reminded of the day when I put facing up a perfectly healthy loved boy to take a nap.  And not even two hours later he had stop breathing.  I will never stop asking why. This second year it's been easier bringing Kyle home and Yes I have worry every minute about what if he were to stop breathing?  I believe that the first few months I was almost expecting it?  I was so terrify,  I wouldn't sleep and then Kyle made it over 7 weeks and there was hope that he will probably make it.  However,  this second year I find myself more angry.  I have had so many moments of rage.  I can't stand the stupidity of people.  I'm less tolerable.   I understand pain more,  but I don't understand why recycling will take your sleep? Or why people complaint so much about their kids keeping them up,  their kids tantrums or a million other things when they should be happy their children are alive.

I talk about Jayden openly.   I know one day we will have him back but it makes me so mad that he is not here with his sibblings that he is not here been a 2 year old having tantrums.  Learning the alphabet.  Singing dancing.   We are always missing him.  Every moment that is significant in our life's will forever be incomplete.  Today I don't wish I was gone I have 3 beautiful children who are amazing.  They lightened our load everyday.  They make us /smile.  But I will forever be incomplete.   I miss my baby Jayden so much.  I long to hold him.

 I hate this date,  I do wish along with most bereaved  parents that it didn't exist.  That it was removed from the calendar.  This will be a painful reminder until we see our baby back . A remainder of how far we are from the last time our baby was just fine.

1 comment:

  1. Kira - this is expressed so beautifully and obviously I can relate to everything here. Two years - it's so long and at the same time, it is no time at all. I know you miss your gorgeous boy. I am so sorry he is gone. I love you! Abby