10 Months

Yesterday Jayden would have been 10 months.  I cant believe his birthday will be here so soon.  I always complaint about how when I dream with Jayden is amazing but he always is been hold by someone else I dont get to do it.  Last night it was different there I was holding him and maybe the whole dream was not long but in the dream it was for a while.  He look big and really good my baby.  I always tell people in my dreams look he didnt die.  This time I even told my mom look im not dreaming I'm really holding him.  I showed him to everyone he just look so handsome.  Suddenly, I heard a distant voice Kylie my 2 year old say: "baby, where are you"? She had drop her bear under the crib not sure how but she couldnt see him and she was looking for him.  I looked in the monitor and I know I had to go get her.  I didnt cry right away it was beautiful to be with Jayden to hold him to give him kisses to show him.  After it all processed I broke down because its not like i choose when I dream with him, I will choose every night.  It has happened 4 times now since we lost him.  4 clear vivid dreams.  This time the dream was in color.  I could see the house the bedrooms the blankets many details.  I miss him so much.  I told my husband its not our baby in the belly because I was pregnant with this baby in my dream.