Drowning in Pain - Unable to write

I noticed that I tend to write when I'm in so much pain, but when I write I dont even make complete sense.  Im  rewriting this post now that im calm and not crying nonstop. This is a very dark dark road. Sometimes it feels like I cant take another breath.  I have these dreams once in a while in them Jayden is always fine he is happy, he is walking normally either he is playing with our girls or Jared is holding him.  As soon as I wake up I realize my baby is gone, he is not there.  I never get to hold him in my dreams its so painful to wake up to this reality.  The word pain doesnt even describe, the torture that it is to live without him.  I feel so angry so powerless that there is nothing I can do about it he is gone.  Our girls have helped us so much, but its like a double knife I dont want to cry in front of them all the time or be sad, I want to be a good mommy for them.  Then I feel guilty if I dont think of Jayden, I feel guillty that I'm smiling without him.  I know no one that is part of my family understands because none have lost a child.  I know Jared and my sisters who spent most of the time with Jayden besides me have lost their innocense when it comes to pain and sorrow.   My youngest sister was helping me clean the closets and she found a red winter hat with mittens and a tiny scarf that she bought for Jayden last January for this year.  It was for 12 to 18 months.  She looked at it and said I'm sorry and walk away.  Its a mess up situation all around.  There is no good in what happen.  I have the hardest time not knowing what happen to Jayden, it questions the mortality of my girls of Jared of the ones I love.