Tomorrow my baby Jayden would have been 9 months old. I miss him so very much. Every single day I grieve the fact that he is gone. Today at 20 weeks pregnant we found out we are having his baby brother. I broke down ad started crying because its terrifying its so scary to think that we may loose this baby too. We have our two older girls and for some reason I thought that having another girl will be easier since our girls are alive and our son is gone. The technician looked at me and said well God may be giving you a son back and Im due on February 6th the day we lost our baby. We know God had nothing to do with Jayden been gone. We also know that God will give him back to us one day
And its the only thing that helps today. Its not that Im strong I have no choice I must keep going my girls, my husband and now our
Baby boy that is growing inside my belly need me so much. Jayden will mean everything to me always and to our unit u mommy, daddy, n sisters. And his little brother will know how my mommy fell in love once again with his brother. We are happy but terrify at the same time.
I don't know that it feels better either way. When I found out that Iris was a girl, I cried. I had hoped that it would be another boy. I knew it would be my last and finding out that it was a girl made me sad, realizing that I would never, ever have two boys again.
ReplyDeleteI think the whole pregnancy after a loss thing is scarier than hell. I was terrified the whole time. Still am, sometimes.
I know that so many parents who lose a baby are scared to have another baby of that gender. It especially makes sense since HE died and the GIRLS did not. They say that parents of rainbow babies usually have a preference for the gender of that baby. I wanted a boy...badly! I was scared that Max would be our only boy and I loved mothering a little boy Still, I know that if Mo had been "Moesha", we would have been thrilled. You will be thrilled...but scared...just as you would have been scared if you were to have a girl. Parenting after a loss is scary. It is SCARY. But, so worth it. I cannot lie though - I am two months in and I cannot wait for the next ten months to be over!!! I think when we reach the year mark, I will breath a sigh of relief. It makes no sense obviously but it is what it is. We threw logic out the window when our babies stopped breathing.
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