Decisions

When your child dies; All of the sudden you have to make decisions out o no where and in a short amount of time.  Where to bury your child? Do you want a get together after the funeral? What clothes to wear to the funeral? What do you want the baby to be dress like? I mean come on,  there are so many decisions and no time to think or change your mind.

Today, I was asked to think of the possibility of moving away, the possibility of going back to work.  I know it was a plan.  A decision we had made.  My baby Jayden would have been 8 months today and I would have not hesitated  a bit.  Since I lost Jayden, I do not know if I
Could ever go back to work? How can I work with baby collections and see babies all day If My sOn is NOT HERE! How can I move away to another area, another state if I would have to leave him here all alone? Am I been unrealistic?  am i been selfish with my family?
i just dont think i can do it.  i will always be in pain and missing my baby, but the thought of knowing he is bury miles and miles away terrifies me.  i just can not think now either.  i know i will break down seeing 8 month baby boys right now anywhere.  i also know that my heart will ache much more if we were to move away and I will have to leave him behind.

You live and You learn..

iI remember hearing that.  someone said that to me well you live and you learn.  No No and No.  I do not know what is my lesson.  My son died and I do not know why.  I just can not find the lesson that is why I believe is so stupid for someone to say that.  Its not like I made wrong business transaction or I tok the express train instead of local from manhattan to brooklyn.  No one has told me what was it that I did wrong.  Im in so much pain and I feel so far away from the old Kira who laugh and enjoy life so much more.  im not the same and I have not figured out what I was suppose to learn from my child dying.  

6 MONTHS

6 Months today since Jayden stop breathing while he was taking his nap.  my heart still broken today, but the last 2 months have been so hard.  i have felt so much pain that for  the past week I have been working on been ready for this weekend; I have been gentle, I have been exercising, running mostly and eating comfort dessert and stay away from stupid people who can make painful comments.  Now at 14 weeks pregnant I'm terrify for the future of this baby.  Last year when I was pregnant at this time I was so excited I had found out it was a boy and I could not be more thrilled and excited since I remember I wanted so much to have a boy. Today I'm excited but the excitement is so limited because of the fear, because I have to accept that I have taken a risk of loosing this baby.  I have gotten 3 different opinions with different ME's. I have met with three ifferent pediatrics ad till no answer.  Still no one has any idea of what happen to my baby.  Im a believer of medicine but its so painful to not know what happen.  And even tough everyone says you did everything right I feel I mess up somewhere.  if not my baby would be here.