Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Decisions

When your child dies; All of the sudden you have to make decisions out o no where and in a short amount of time.  Where to bury your child? Do you want a get together after the funeral? What clothes to wear to the funeral? What do you want the baby to be dress like? I mean come on,  there are so many decisions and no time to think or change your mind.

Today, I was asked to think of the possibility of moving away, the possibility of going back to work.  I know it was a plan.  A decision we had made.  My baby Jayden would have been 8 months today and I would have not hesitated  a bit.  Since I lost Jayden, I do not know if I
Could ever go back to work? How can I work with baby collections and see babies all day If My sOn is NOT HERE! How can I move away to another area, another state if I would have to leave him here all alone? Am I been unrealistic?  am i been selfish with my family?
i just dont think i can do it.  i will always be in pain and missing my baby, but the thought of knowing he is bury miles and miles away terrifies me.  i just can not think now either.  i know i will break down seeing 8 month baby boys right now anywhere.  i also know that my heart will ache much more if we were to move away and I will have to leave him behind.

1 comment:

  1. You are not being selfish at all. You are so very new in your grief. You shouldn't do anything big in the first year of losing a child.
    We moved 18 months ago and up until that time I was always able to go to the cemetery to visit my baby girl. She had been gone 7 years when we left, and even then it was SO hard.
    Give yourself time. Be gentle with yourself. And take all the time you need.

    ReplyDelete