Wednesday, February 6, 2013

1st. Year -

Jayden, baby.

Today, marks a year since we walk away out of the hospital without you.  Every detail of February 4th when you stop breathing to February 6th, is there when I close my eyes.  I have been so afraid this year. Afraid of time passing by the world moves forward and you are missing.  Afraid of loosing your sisters or your dad.  Afraid of making new memories.

I have spent at least half of the time crying.  Almost every night going to sleep with tears that do not stop.  The pain doesnt ever go away.  The reminders of how big you will be today.  its been a blessing to have your brother at home today.  The resemblence of you in him is beyond what I can take sometimes.  Im  afraid of loosing him.  Its just so upsetting so painful to know you are not here.  I promise that I will never stop loving you and I will keep on until the day comes that I can hold you again.

I keep dreaming about you and in my dreams you always grow up.  In my dreams you never die and I try convince people in my dreams that look you did not die. Im sorry you dont get to share your life with us today, but we have faith that you will someday. I will give my life for you to live yours but unfortunately DEATH is an enemy we cant beat.  I want you to know that your sisters miss you.  Jayda keeps asking me when will you come back, she wants to take you to her park, which is the swingsets outside.  Kylie looks at your picture in the living room and she says my baby.  And daddy honey its ben a serious struggle to continue in this world without you.

We  will love you forever, my baby Jayden.

I can't write anymore there is so much pain I can't barely breath.
I want this date to not exist.


  1. I know a whole year without your baby is so terrible! It is so so so awful! And it will always be a complete nightmare. But the physical pain will lift a little in this second year I think... That's been my experience. The emotional pain is still there but maybe you'll be able to breathe again. I think Kyle will help you remember how to breathe. I'm so sorry Jayden isn't here! I'm so sorry you had to leave the hospital without him. Nothing is worse. Sending you lots of love and strength!!!! - Abby

  2. I'm sorry, Kira. I meant to write you earlier and congratulate you on Kyle. The one year anniversary is so awful, especially coming so close to Kyle's birth. Take care and hang in there!