Sunday, April 14, 2013

First Visit to the Cemetery

We are finally having the headstone put in Jayden's burial site.  I was there today for the first time since we bury him.  It felt like the coldest place in the planet.  It is a very peaceful place.  Surrounded by beautiful trees.  But the silence and the shivering feeling brakes your heart.

I felt my heart racing, panic, so much pain.  My knees kept bending my stomach hurt so much and the tears wouldn't stop.  It feels like it was just yesterday and its been 14 months and 10 days since our baby took his last breath.  It's so painful to know this is the last time we would buy something for our baby.  This is our last gift.  This is it.  Sometimes it doesn't feel like it happen, sometimes it's so real and sometimes the routine and time just keep you going like you are walking dead.  Jared had been there many times.  I just never got myself to go.  Cemeteries have always frightened me.

This year I find myself so angry at everyone.  The insensitive of people has make me wish they will experience just an hour of my pain. I will never be the excited fun person that I was.  Even when I smile there seems to always be a shadow nearby, a shadow of pain that clouds everything around. Today,  the intensity of this pain brought me back to the very early days when all I wanted was to sleep and wish I was gone as well.  This is no life to live like this.  And I'm asking God please we need this to be over.  I want the end to come.   I need to see my baby again.  How is it that people live with this pain with this emptiness for  so many years?


  1. It is complete agony! I have such a tug of war in my heart about going to the cemetery. Is he there or not? Is he with me when I am not there? I sure hope so. I am looking forward to "the end" too. I am sorry you have this pain. I also often wish others could experience it, just for a moment. It is no way to live. But, we do....and remember, you are doing amazing. You are!

  2. Kira, may I use this blog entry for my book about infant loss? I will give you full credit and link to your blog. I think that this entry would resonate with a lot of other parents who do not visit their children's graves often and maybe help them feel less alone...


    1. Of course Rebecca. Email me when you can u want to read ur book as soon as is out.

  3. I will make sure that you get a free copy. I am trying to include as many people's experiences as I can. One day, I would love to write a book about our children's lives instead of their deaths.