Jayden

Oh my baby I miss you so much.  
This pain is so sharp, its beyond what I
Can take.  Your sister Jayda found a blue blanket
That someone had knitted for you in the chest
That daddy built. She was playing and took all
The blankets out. She said "mommy but where is
Jayden, I want to give him his blankie"... my tears started
To roll out nonstop. I wish you could be here. Jayda is such
A good sister.  Kylie is more in her ways but super lovable,
It hurts me so much when they ask where you are.
Its so painful.  It hurts me to think how you would have enjoy
Playing, laughing even fighting with them.  

Maxie

Today, I will take this space to share to the friends that read my blog a little bit about Maxie. Maxie was 9 and half months and a year ago he was taken from his parents by death. A year full of pain and sorrow for his mommy and daddy.  Today we take the time to remember him. Abby his mommy has been a tremendous amount of support to me with her encouraging words and understanding.  Understanding of  a rollercoaster of emotions that I know its hard for others  to understand or even imagine.  Maxie's parents are raising money in the battle against SIDS.  Here its her blog address: missingmaxie.blogspot.com.

Today, my baby, Jayden will have been 7 months. It pains my heart everyday he is not here.

OTHER BABIES........

I noticed my pain its at it worse stage now.
Everyone I know that has gone thru this road say that
4 to 6 months are the hardest!  Anyway since we
Have the girls, we always have done fine with other children.
Most of my girls friends are other little girls their age.
There are a couple of boys.  It has not really bother me to be around
Other children until now.  This weekend we attended a convention and there
Were children.  What are the chances that in over 5000 people
I will seat behind one baby boy that was 7 weeks old the age at which we lost Jayden and 2 other baby boys that were born a week apart from Jayden one older one younger.  After just sitting for a few minutes I broke down remembering that is how big my baby was when we lost him.
And the worst that is the age he will be, He will be sitting. He will be spoon fed baby food, he will smile, he will have been kicking.
I realized that 2 month old baby boys will always remind me of my baby and they will trigger emotions and pain.  Also that babies that were born around my babies age will forever remind me where my son would have been if he had not DIED.  I felt jealous, upset and alone.
How come these moms had their boys there just fine and mine was not.
I know it sounds bad but what was it that I did wrong to deserve a life without my baby? a life of waiting until I see him gain, the waiting?
Forever these two groups of babies will trigger a pain that is hard to controll.

ANGER!!!!

We went to the family reunion this weekend. 

The past two weeks have been extremely hard. 

Painful, its real my baby died and he is not here.

I found myself so angry lately.  I been told Im going

"To push people away", its just so unfair.  I cant stand

That so many people say, "we love you" or "we miss you"

However. they dont mentioned my baby, they dont ask:

How are you feeling? Its like nothing happen. 

I'm in scrutiating pain and all you can say its something 

That has no meaning because Love its shown through actions. 

However, there is something that just makes m 

So Angry.  I went to the pool at the hotel and watch my three

Year old every move. There was another mom there with a lttle boy. 

He was not even 2 most likely 18 months. 

She went to sleep, while he walk around h pol. 

He was scared of the water but he slip  and fell twice. 

I picked him up.  The second time it happen I wke up the 

Mom.  She looked at me and said he is okay. 

I decided to leave and she just pick up her book and started to read. 

I looked behind and there was the little aby just staring t me. 

We were at the swings with the girls. 

And while it was close to 100 degrees I had sippy cups and 

Kept giving it to the girls and sun block. There was another baby 

2 years old with her 6 year old sister and I was worry about her

Getting dehydrated or burn.  Their mom was at a bench  just sitting. 

I dont understand these are just a few examples.  

Im not saying Im the best mom but I swear I 

Always been like that with my kids and look my son is 

GONE.  Is it because Im all over them, 

If I'm like these other moms my kids would be okay? 

Its not fair, these moms do not deseve these babies. 

IJared says its because children are a bother for these parents. 

Its not the case with us.  We yearn to have our children.  We 

Change our lives to adjust anything that will be better for them.

GUILTY

Jayden.... my baby.  I do NOT want to believe that you are gone.  

There is so much pain in my heart.  I hate that you are not here. 

I feel guilty all the time.  Why I was not there?  I know everyone 

Says "there is nothing you could have done", but no one can 

KNOW for sure.  I was the mom and I mess up so badly by not

Been there, by not Noticing something was going to happen.  

Today, I feel guilty because I should want to be alive all the time.

I should want to be here, your sisters, your dad, your aunts. They 

All need me. But sometimes like today, I will rather die. I will rather 

Be asleep as you are, wake up in the resurrection when the time comes. 

I dont want to live with this pain. 

it feels beyond anything that I can keep

taking. It feels like I'm strong one day and the next 

Im so broken.  

I feel guilty for wanting the rest of the family to 

REMEMBER you.  is their faith greater than mine?  Most likely. 

I should not want them to be sad or upset, but I want aknowledgement 

Of your existence. 

Words cant describe what it means to live wthout you. 

Another month...

Today it marks another month.   Another month since my baby stop breathing.  I cant stand the amount that has passed by. And with this day it comes all the reminders of the day.  Life is so imcomplete.  Our girls are the biggest strenght we can probably have.  They keep us going, they wake us up.  We thank God for them, but there is always fear; fear of loosing them.  Fear of loosing the baby on the way.  I have never been this sick and the past month i had pneumonia and now i just had another cold that trigger an asthma attack.  I have not had an episode of asthma in 7 years.  The doctor explained that between the trauma, the cold, the allergies- my body is so weak. I'm feeling slightly better.  I miss Jayden so much- I know I say that all the time; I JUST DO.  I just need him.  Here is a picture of him and I at the hospital when he was just born.  Oh my baby my heart will be forever missing you- until the day I hold you again.