The week of...

It's Sunday December 15th,  in 6 days my baby Jayden will have been 2.  He is been gone for 1 year 10 months and 9 days.  The reality is that yes the pain is not as intense but is still there.  It's like it's been molded into our lives.  There is days where the grief takes over and physically it seems impossible to keep on.  Other days are easier.  The biggest lesson I have learned is to be gentle to myself.  It pains me to interact with friends who decide its better not to mention him.  HE EXISTED!!! I want to scream.  As the days approach a date where I will have been so excited to see my baby be 2.  I'm reminded that he is gone.

There is something that bothers me so much.  It's all the moms that complaint to me about how they are bored with their children, or the moms that constantly complaint that their children are not behaving.  I feel like telling them.  What did you expect? I feel like telling them you have your kid.  I will much rather been in their place than mine.  They get to see their children everyday the closest I get to see my son is in a picture in our wall.

Something that brings me so much grief is family pictures.  I have written about this.  Last year we didn't take any pictures.  This year we took pictures of our kids early in the year.  And everyone kept asking about a family picture.  No one seems to understand our family is not together.  After much talk before our anniversary we took some family pictures.   I still haven't been able to put it up because its so incomplete.  My 4 year old suggested to keep two family pictures together one with baby Jayden and one with baby Kyle.  I know it may not seem like a huge dilemma for many but it is for me.

I do feel more in peace than I did a year ago but this week brings plenty of anxiety and pain.

18 Months

Can you believe it?  It's 18 months since the last time we got to kiss our first baby boy.  Tears come down non-stop.  Oh how long until I hold him again?  Life is been a serious roller coaster.  Is been easier the past six months having Kyle around.  Kyle is such a good baby.  He makes me smile but no matter how many good moments we have, how much of a connection we have establish ; we miss our baby so much.  Is true the pain is not as intense as it was once but we missed him so very much.  I'm distracted having three kids under 4 it's work but it doesnt mean im over it; i could never be!!! not a day goes by that I don't think about him.

Jayden honey, mommy and daddy miss you and love you so much.  We will always will. Jayda  is going to be 4 this month she talks about you all the time.  How much she wants to get to paradise to hold you.  How much she wants to take you to the swings outside in the yard.  She is such a good girl patient, loving, caring she loved you since the first moment she saw you.  She is looking forward to seeing you one day I know it.  Kylie what can I say?  She will be 3 at the end of september.  She is known to be trouble.  Stubborn vey active,  but extremely loving.  She calls you baby Jayden in the wall because she sits your pictures in the wall.  Kyle he is getting big.  He is 6 months .  He is more like Jayda, he is very independent.  He starting to recognize and interact much more.  Im sure he will miss you so much and i hope it soon we have you in our arms again.

We are not complete we will never be complete until you are with us.  I had a sad dream on Sunday.  A dream about you it was 3 am when I woke up I was crying and we were moving and you were coming with us but you were in a box.  It was so painful.   When I woke up I talked to daddy and he said its 18 months since you stop breathing I could see the pain the shadow that never leaves your daddy's eyes.  Oh baby....We will always love you.

Mommy.

Life....

Jayden would have been a year and half just 2 days ago.  I can't stand time.  I miss him so much.  It is so painful to have other children and you step back as a mom you look at them together playing, jumping, fighting, arguing, or just been silly and you know there is someone missing.

Our kids are our life.  Our girls are so special.  Jayda is so sensitive so loving so caring she is known since she was born as the such good girl, Kylie keeps us in our toes. She is so loving and so stubborn.   Kyle is such a good baby.  So much more calm.  Jayden was so active.  Even at 6 weeks he was rolling.  Kyle is now almost 5 months and he master rolling about a month ago.  Life is so much more easier with him.  I been sad sometimes I just look at him and I have to smile.  But I still cry I still miss his brother.  It's unfair that my girls and him don't have Jayden.

Kyle does seem to resemble Jayden; sometimes I see so much of Jayden in him.  I give him a million hugs each day.  Life doesn't change the much these days.  We are more gentle on ourselves and are trying to hard to enjoy time,  but it's so painful and so hard when you know ur baby is gone.

First Visit to the Cemetery

We are finally having the headstone put in Jayden's burial site.  I was there today for the first time since we bury him.  It felt like the coldest place in the planet.  It is a very peaceful place.  Surrounded by beautiful trees.  But the silence and the shivering feeling brakes your heart.

I felt my heart racing, panic, so much pain.  My knees kept bending my stomach hurt so much and the tears wouldn't stop.  It feels like it was just yesterday and its been 14 months and 10 days since our baby took his last breath.  It's so painful to know this is the last time we would buy something for our baby.  This is our last gift.  This is it.  Sometimes it doesn't feel like it happen, sometimes it's so real and sometimes the routine and time just keep you going like you are walking dead.  Jared had been there many times.  I just never got myself to go.  Cemeteries have always frightened me.

This year I find myself so angry at everyone.  The insensitive of people has make me wish they will experience just an hour of my pain. I will never be the excited fun person that I was.  Even when I smile there seems to always be a shadow nearby, a shadow of pain that clouds everything around. Today,  the intensity of this pain brought me back to the very early days when all I wanted was to sleep and wish I was gone as well.  This is no life to live like this.  And I'm asking God please we need this to be over.  I want the end to come.   I need to see my baby again.  How is it that people live with this pain with this emptiness for  so many years?

Is it Real?

Jayden was 45 days old when he stop breathing.  Two days later when he was 47 days old we walk away from the hospital room leaving our baby who at the point was gone....  I can still feel the pain in my stomach as the memory never leaves my body.  When this past sunday morning came and Kyle was 45 days I was terrify that something will happen.  I felt like I was walking half dead and that any minute the monitor was going to go off.  Today Kyle is 47 days old.  The day is almost over and he still here.  We took him to the pediatric for a  follow up and he is just fine growing, getting so big.  He weights 12.8 lbs.  He is a great eater.  All of the sudden in my mind something was taken off my shoulders.

 Is it real?  My baby still here. Is Kyle really going to stay?  I'm trying to treasure all the moments I have with Kyle afraid of tomorrow. 

I miss Jayden so much that words cant describe exactly what i feel.  My heart is so broken.  Kyle looks so much like him.   Kyle has help us smile once again but it feels so incomplete. 

I will never forget you Jayden.  Never baby.  The love between you and I will never die. 

1st. Year -

Jayden, baby.

Today, marks a year since we walk away out of the hospital without you.  Every detail of February 4th when you stop breathing to February 6th, is there when I close my eyes.  I have been so afraid this year. Afraid of time passing by the world moves forward and you are missing.  Afraid of loosing your sisters or your dad.  Afraid of making new memories.

I have spent at least half of the time crying.  Almost every night going to sleep with tears that do not stop.  The pain doesnt ever go away.  The reminders of how big you will be today.  its been a blessing to have your brother at home today.  The resemblence of you in him is beyond what I can take sometimes.  Im  afraid of loosing him.  Its just so upsetting so painful to know you are not here.  I promise that I will never stop loving you and I will keep on until the day comes that I can hold you again.

I keep dreaming about you and in my dreams you always grow up.  In my dreams you never die and I try convince people in my dreams that look you did not die. Im sorry you dont get to share your life with us today, but we have faith that you will someday. I will give my life for you to live yours but unfortunately DEATH is an enemy we cant beat.  I want you to know that your sisters miss you.  Jayda keeps asking me when will you come back, she wants to take you to her park, which is the swingsets outside.  Kylie looks at your picture in the living room and she says my baby.  And daddy honey its ben a serious struggle to continue in this world without you.

We  will love you forever, my baby Jayden.

I can't write anymore there is so much pain I can't barely breath.
I want this date to not exist.

Kyle's Birth

Our newest addition baby boy, Kyle Aiden Brumbaugh.  He was born Thursday January 31st at 8:50pm.  He weighted 8Lbs 11.3 Ounces and measure 20 inches long.  As I was ready to push the doctors realized that his shoulder was stuck and he was not coming out so I had to get a C-section is the first time I have one which was hard considering I had 3 natural deliveries.  When Kyle was brought to me after been in the recovery room, I broke down in tears.  The resemblence between him n Jayden is so much, it looks like the exact same baby.  Just slightly lighter in skin color.  It brakes my heart that we will be bringing Kyle home a year later when Jayden left home in a ambulance and never went back. 

My heart still so broken.  I'm so scared of what could happen. 

I hate when people say oh everything will be fne. Kyle looks perfect.  thats exactly what everyone always said about Jayden n he is gone.  

We are delighted and happy that Kyle its here with us today. 

We are so broken that Jayden get to be part of this life.