Selfish

Sometimes is so unreal to me that people can say the most insensitive things.  maybe its because I grew up in a family where there was no room for being insensitive.  Pain was shown to us and display that it exist and to be careful.  Still I never ever though to find my self in so much pain.  This past weekend I was at the supermarket and I saw someone that doesn't really know me.  She knows my husband's family.  She ask how u doing? I said I'm okay.  She said is good to see that you are not being selfish, you can't drowned in pain that would be so selfish of you towards your two other children and your husband.  i was shock I just couldn't believe it and then she said okay I have to pick up ice cream can't be selfish with the kids.  I just left did not even said bye.  I literally turn around.  Im being selfish for been in pain. Its not that I love my girls any less but why would people not understand that loosing Jayden change my world my life who I am, who I will be, that the pain I feel is so deep within me.

My baby - 6 months

Jayden, honey I dream of this day for so long.  I dreamed of you being 6 months of taking you to the beach.  Of showing you off at the coming family reunion we even bought your outfit for it.  Now, I start to get ready and I cry and cry that we are going away and you are not going to be there.  Its my first family reunion since your daddys entire family only does it once every 10 years.  But I dream of you so much.  You were going to be the baby in the family and most gorgeous child ( at least in our eyes).  Today we saw your baby brother or sister in the sonogram. We saw the heartbeat and got our little picture and then we received the news; that our dating was wrong and that the new baby due date is February 6th.  Thats the day you were gone.  I laugh and cry thinking of the new baby.  Oh my baby how much I need you.  How much I miss you.  Everyday I look at your pictures and everyday I talk to you hoping that you are there.  The fear and the joy and the tears that never stop: its just a major rollercoaster of emotions.  We love you so much and we know we will never forget you even though not one person from our family remembered that you would have been 6 months today. And if they did they did not let us know.  Is it too painful to people?  Its scrutiating pain for us.  I cant even write anymore.......

MISSING YOU SO MUCH......

O my baby.  I feel like I keep falling into a depression.  For so many months I could not sleep.  Now I can and I seem to sleep so much more.  I think the main reason is that I know in my dreams you are fine.  Last night I dreamed of you.  In my dreams you were 6 months old which you would have been this coming thursday.  You were standing up holding to the chair. You look beautiful.  I was confused in the dream I was thinking of nightime and I looked in the room I saw a bed and a crib where your sisters sleep and I looked at daddy and I said why did we think he died.  Look he is fine.  Daddy said he is in our room.  I hate waking up I hated it.  In my dreams is the only place where I hold you and its 1 am and i want to sleep and i want to be with you.  O my baby....I miss you so much.  I want to go back and change the past...I feel like Im tight down and I can not move. I can not go get you.  I'm sorry I have not been to the graveside, the was horrible.  I got there and there you were in the white box. Why?  so many times I asked my self is it really true did I loose him?  The pain has taken over so many days like today.  I feel like I cant anymore and then its like Im smack in the face and reminded of your sisters , of daddy, of our faith. but i have thought so many times of dying.  I cry everyday and everyday I go into your sisters room and I look at your picture and I talk to you and I ask how you doing...............there is no response............i cant with this pain.

Friends

I miss who I was.  I was always happy, always optimistic.  I miss been the person.  Today, yes I do still smile but only those that have taken the time in the past to get to know exactly who I am know that the pain and the emptiness is all over my face.  One of our friends said to me last thursday: Kira, I'm sorry I have not sent a card for what happen.  It was too painful for us.  I bought one but I didnt know what to say. Know that to us today we looked at you guys and we dont only see Jared and you and the girls we see Jayden with you guys.  He was real, you shared him, you were so proud.  And we love you guys so much.  Always ready to help.  It was true and genuine her comment I wish I could have help my baby. Its true today as I was thinking about it; we have received many many cards hundredths of them since our son die.  But those very close friends many of them have not been able to.  And its not necessary just their looks in their faces, their huggs, their genuine interest in mentioning our son is more than enough.  I dont know exactly what we will do without them.  They managed to make us laugh, to make dinner to bring the most simple presents as gummy bears for our girls it means a lot.  I'm sorry Im not the same today.  I honestly do not believe I will ever be the same until the day I hold my baby again.  I dont think I have become a better person, I have not.  Maybe today I'm more worried and more fearful of the future but not better.  I miss my baby everyday, every single day its a torture to think he is gone.

8 Weeks Pregnant..

We found out 2 weeks ago that we are expecting.  even though at another time we would have been thrilled and super excited with many dreams ahead. 

This happiness is cloud with many fears with so much pain.  will this baby make it pass 6 weeks and 5 days? i did so many different things when I was pregnant with Jayden, Im determined to do everything different just as we did with our first girl. Even taking the most expensive pre natal vitamins.  no more coffee, exercise, i wont breastfeed, i didnt with the girls and they are alive and he is not.  why does it have to be so painful?  i will push  pacifier.  i will do everything like the girls... I couldnt loose another baby.  and then dumb m i search to see if there are parents that have lost 2 babies t SIDS and found out it has happen and i cry and cry in fear.  i fee

February 4 to 6.

it marks 4 months today since those 3 horrible days.
I get this flashbacks...

Saturday February 4th, 3:42pm Jared comes into the bedroom I holding Jayden nursing him.
Jared asks me to get Kylie - he is going to the porch to check on his brother.  .  I said im done just looking at my adorable baby.
I got dress and look at him.  i got Kylie from him. Jayda came running into the room. I said No honey baby Jayden is going night but I turned on the light.  I still remember his eyes just responding to the light he was in his back.

After dinner at 5:40 Jared says Im going to go get Jayden. I said Ill take the girls to bath and Ill nurse after that.  I suddenly heard him screaming and I went there... He was giving the baby CPR, i called the ambulance.  they got there in just a few minutes.

They took over, the police was there and I looked and Jared was in the floor crying destroyed.  The officer said we need to talk to you.  I told the lady I need to go with you.  after a few minutes they said we got a heart beat.  I told the ambulance guy thank you o much and I cry .

Once in the doctor they said to me wait here.  we have to wait for the doctor. the officer got there too and said we need to speak to you.  Jared got there and our friends were there i a few minutes later.
They took our girls who were in the car.
At 6:19 the doctor came in and said  he has a heart beat but its not breathing on his own.  We are sending him to ICU.  a specialized doctor will take him.

The waiting was long over 3 hours.
The doctor came in and said, Im sorry it does not look good.
I dont believe he is going home.  I repeated my story to every doctor.
I Broke down and they had to get me water.  i didnt want to belief and I asked what is the best scenario.  he said that your baby wakes up. but we both know that is not going to happen.  I have to be honest with you.  Another doctor came in and said "Im the head of the department I will take your babys case, we will try everything".  2am and our elders were there.
Our family was in the way.  My sisters had gone straight home to take care of the girls. The doctor that took care of our baby was kind.  Every 8 hours we met to go over what he was doing.  Still no breathin.
His other organs were starting to fail.  We were loosing him and it was real.  my stomach hurted so much.  My heart was broken.  I will go in the room to see him there were always 2 nurses with him but I will cry and cry just looking at him like that.  He had every machine attach.  By Sunday night most of our friends were there or had come by.  Monday at 3am the nurses came to our chairs were we lay down and they said we are loosing him now he i not breathing thru the machines.  the pain was so real I could barely moved.  We went towards him.  I talked to Jayden I asked him to please wake up.  He continue breathing thru the machine. And his blood levels started to get better.  The doctor met with us monday morning and said, his liver is deteriorating and we have no brain activity for more than 12 hours. The neurologist is coming back. A neurologist from NY was called as well to get her opinion.  The neurologist came and they both took him and said.  He is gone we do not see any signs of activity or dreams, no reactions.  You need to makedecision but we are declaring him on brain damage and I aw the neurologst tears would not stop.  They were very kind.  The doctor came and spke to me and said, we can wait but he will get worse or we can stop the breathing machine and he will be gone in seconds.  We waited 8more hours. Th doctor said Im sorry I have been in your side of the bed and I lost my son. At 3:29 his heart stop beating and the pain just was worse.  is it a nightmare.  Please wake me up. Please, some mercy
Still today I remember details of those horrible days and this date is a reminder of how many months my baby is gone.  The pain feels sharp it hurts so much.  I have many days that go faster but I have cry each of those days.  I wnder if its ever going to get better.  i have hopes I try so hard to stay positive.  i do feel like something in me has died. Im not the same.  I Cant be truly happy.  Last night was horrible and nice.  I dream Jayden was here.  he was 6 months walking around the coffee  table.
He was fine and I asked my husband in my dream he is fine he didnt die.  I was confused in my dream and I ask myself but where does he sleep.  The crib was gone.

Im happy that he is growing in my dreams is not the first time that it hppens. I just cant stand reality.

Jayden

The amount of dreams I had with you baby.

I love you so much my baby.  You were everything

I ever waited for.  I miss you everyday and sometimes

It seems like life can not keep going without you. 

But daddy and your sisters need me so much, I dont

Have a choice. I'm glad that I did spent so much

Time with you and that I hold you so much, my biggest 

Wish to have a SON was finally granted.  i had so many 

DREAMS........ it just the time was not enough

I dream of teaching you how to dance.

I dream of teaching you how to be a gentleman. 

I dream of you loving Jehovah, God and served him.

I dream of you wrestling and putting a fight 

Because everyone knows how difficult it could be to have 

2 big sisters. 

I dream of you learning to swim and loving the ocean just like 

Daddy and I.  

I dream of your first day of school I even thought i will start

Teaching just to be near all 3 of you.

I dream of your first girlfriend-- ( I had promised to be the best 

Mother in Law) 

I dream of you giving talks in the congregation. 

I dream of you getting marry.

I dream of you having children.

Today there are no more dreams.

My heart feels broken ... tear so apart.

I know I will see you again one day, I know ...

But its the waiting.......

I love you mi vida.