February 4 to 6.

it marks 4 months today since those 3 horrible days.
I get this flashbacks...

Saturday February 4th, 3:42pm Jared comes into the bedroom I holding Jayden nursing him.
Jared asks me to get Kylie - he is going to the porch to check on his brother.  .  I said im done just looking at my adorable baby.
I got dress and look at him.  i got Kylie from him. Jayda came running into the room. I said No honey baby Jayden is going night but I turned on the light.  I still remember his eyes just responding to the light he was in his back.

After dinner at 5:40 Jared says Im going to go get Jayden. I said Ill take the girls to bath and Ill nurse after that.  I suddenly heard him screaming and I went there... He was giving the baby CPR, i called the ambulance.  they got there in just a few minutes.

They took over, the police was there and I looked and Jared was in the floor crying destroyed.  The officer said we need to talk to you.  I told the lady I need to go with you.  after a few minutes they said we got a heart beat.  I told the ambulance guy thank you o much and I cry .

Once in the doctor they said to me wait here.  we have to wait for the doctor. the officer got there too and said we need to speak to you.  Jared got there and our friends were there i a few minutes later.
They took our girls who were in the car.
At 6:19 the doctor came in and said  he has a heart beat but its not breathing on his own.  We are sending him to ICU.  a specialized doctor will take him.

The waiting was long over 3 hours.
The doctor came in and said, Im sorry it does not look good.
I dont believe he is going home.  I repeated my story to every doctor.
I Broke down and they had to get me water.  i didnt want to belief and I asked what is the best scenario.  he said that your baby wakes up. but we both know that is not going to happen.  I have to be honest with you.  Another doctor came in and said "Im the head of the department I will take your babys case, we will try everything".  2am and our elders were there.
Our family was in the way.  My sisters had gone straight home to take care of the girls. The doctor that took care of our baby was kind.  Every 8 hours we met to go over what he was doing.  Still no breathin.
His other organs were starting to fail.  We were loosing him and it was real.  my stomach hurted so much.  My heart was broken.  I will go in the room to see him there were always 2 nurses with him but I will cry and cry just looking at him like that.  He had every machine attach.  By Sunday night most of our friends were there or had come by.  Monday at 3am the nurses came to our chairs were we lay down and they said we are loosing him now he i not breathing thru the machines.  the pain was so real I could barely moved.  We went towards him.  I talked to Jayden I asked him to please wake up.  He continue breathing thru the machine. And his blood levels started to get better.  The doctor met with us monday morning and said, his liver is deteriorating and we have no brain activity for more than 12 hours. The neurologist is coming back. A neurologist from NY was called as well to get her opinion.  The neurologist came and they both took him and said.  He is gone we do not see any signs of activity or dreams, no reactions.  You need to makedecision but we are declaring him on brain damage and I aw the neurologst tears would not stop.  They were very kind.  The doctor came and spke to me and said, we can wait but he will get worse or we can stop the breathing machine and he will be gone in seconds.  We waited 8more hours. Th doctor said Im sorry I have been in your side of the bed and I lost my son. At 3:29 his heart stop beating and the pain just was worse.  is it a nightmare.  Please wake me up. Please, some mercy
Still today I remember details of those horrible days and this date is a reminder of how many months my baby is gone.  The pain feels sharp it hurts so much.  I have many days that go faster but I have cry each of those days.  I wnder if its ever going to get better.  i have hopes I try so hard to stay positive.  i do feel like something in me has died. Im not the same.  I Cant be truly happy.  Last night was horrible and nice.  I dream Jayden was here.  he was 6 months walking around the coffee  table.
He was fine and I asked my husband in my dream he is fine he didnt die.  I was confused in my dream and I ask myself but where does he sleep.  The crib was gone.

Im happy that he is growing in my dreams is not the first time that it hppens. I just cant stand reality.