MISSING YOU SO MUCH......

O my baby.  I feel like I keep falling into a depression.  For so many months I could not sleep.  Now I can and I seem to sleep so much more.  I think the main reason is that I know in my dreams you are fine.  Last night I dreamed of you.  In my dreams you were 6 months old which you would have been this coming thursday.  You were standing up holding to the chair. You look beautiful.  I was confused in the dream I was thinking of nightime and I looked in the room I saw a bed and a crib where your sisters sleep and I looked at daddy and I said why did we think he died.  Look he is fine.  Daddy said he is in our room.  I hate waking up I hated it.  In my dreams is the only place where I hold you and its 1 am and i want to sleep and i want to be with you.  O my baby....I miss you so much.  I want to go back and change the past...I feel like Im tight down and I can not move. I can not go get you.  I'm sorry I have not been to the graveside, the was horrible.  I got there and there you were in the white box. Why?  so many times I asked my self is it really true did I loose him?  The pain has taken over so many days like today.  I feel like I cant anymore and then its like Im smack in the face and reminded of your sisters , of daddy, of our faith. but i have thought so many times of dying.  I cry everyday and everyday I go into your sisters room and I look at your picture and I talk to you and I ask how you doing...............there is no response............i cant with this pain.