Anger....WHY???

Im so angry sometimes.  I cant believe
Its true Jayden is not here.  I do I do feel guilty
For not doing things differently.  what if I
Would have taken him to nap in the swing?
What if I would have ask my husband to stay
Inside instead of going to help his brother and
Feed our girls so I could stay with Jayden?
What if I would have tell my sisters to come over
When they called the previous day?
What if he would have cry?
What if I would have let my 3 year old daughter
Go in the room and turn on the light? would I
Have found him just in time?
Why did I give him a 2 hour Nap?
Why didnt I push the pacifier?
Why didnt I bottlefed?
Why I didnt put him in the snuggle nest and brought him
To the girls bedroom?
Why I did not go change my shirt after cooking?
Why Jehovah, why him?
There is so many questions and again
Im the mom im suppose to know...
What did I do? anything else I could
Have taken, I feel so guilty.  its just NOT fair.
Its so painful..... it hurts and hurts.

pain....

Today... it seems like I was been shaken from

One side of the boat to the other.  i dont know

If everybody feels like that but I feel very lost.

Or maybe like Maxie's mommy puts it like 

Im existing not living.  i saw a baby today exactly 

Jaydens age... and normally Im okay looking at

Babies.  We love kids with Jared being one of 9 and 

Im one of 7 we just love them but I couldnt look

At the baby.  i ignored them we were at a kids party. 

Mostly 3 years old and i took my girls.  this lady id not know me

But I felt pain thinking I dont have my baby in arms. 

I cant help to ask myself what was it that I didn 

We strive to be good in all situations.  and people

Always say you are a good mommy...

Why....... us. why...

5 MONTHS....

Jayden will have been 5 months.  Oh 

I miss him so much..... I cant stand time.

I wonder what would he been doing now?

Would he be pulling himself up? like my girls did.

Would he be sitting in the high chair watching me make dinner?

This day its always a reminder.... 

We did arts and crafts yesterday and we painted a bird house.  

Jayda my 3 year old said... momma its so cute just like 

Jayden...okay I got to show it to him.  My heart feels o broken. 

She still does not understand.  I dont like the word 

"DEATH"... and for Now I refuse to tell my daughter that. 

Its interesting how many people I have met lately

That have lost kids.  I realized I become part of a circle that I dont want or

Wish anyone to join!!! 

Jayden one day I will see you again and I will hold you

So tight and you will grow and get to know your sisters. 

Know that mommy and daddy believ very much on the hope.  

Its just the waiting part its so hard my baby. 

LOST

i feel so lost lately.  im so tired and
I have gain 15 pounds in the past 3 months.
The doctor says its part of the PTSD.
Some people loose others gain of course i gain.
I cant sleep. I miss my baby Jayden, he was ll
I ever dream of.  my baby boy.  Its crazy
How hard some days can be...
We had plan to have a baby brother or sisterin 2013.
Now neither Jared o I want to wait.. But
I have so many fears.  I have read every book
Or article related to SIDS.  its just so unfair. 

PTSD

So Im officially diagnosed with PTSD.  so what
The doctor wants me to take sleeping spills
But they dont work.  I have been sleeping only
About 4 hours a day.  i drink at least 3 cups of coffe a
Day just to stay up with the girls and then
Therapy I just dont know its scary.

I read the whole ME report today and there was
NOTHING- 9 pound full term baby.   NOT
Sick at all.  Easy pregnancy.  1 hour and 20
Minute labor and delivery.  what went wrong
What did I do?  I breastfed for the first time.
I didnt push the pacifier. I have never smoke
The temperature in his room was set at 70
Degrees.  i mean what was it? what?  My child look so healthy
I mean at 6 weeks he was 14 LBS.

I just want to understand.  so having healthy children is
NOT enough.  It will never be.  and as
Much as people and doctors keep saying
IT was not your fault. it feels like it is.
I was the "MOM" it was my job to take care of him.

Pictures.... sometimes the good memories just hurt...

I finally was able to go to through the pictures of our baby; oh it hurts so much; how much i miss him; how much my heart is broken.  how much pain im in today and every day with every smile with every laugh the pain is like a shadow that is always present.  These are some of my favorite shots.  o my baby... the pain of the heart it goes beyond. 

Our girls.

Today once again I woke up our 19 month old Kylie from her nap.  Everytime she sleeps so soundly I get so scared.  Our two girls have helped us to keep going but its so painful.  I hate when people tell me you have two other kids right?  It does not matter if we had 10. Jayden was my little man.  Our oldest Jayda will be 3 in a couple of  months and she is constantly reminding me "where is my baby Jayden?"  She looks at his picture in the wall,  she points to him and says "he is so cute"  i immediately I start crying.  I have to stop myself because two seconds later she tells me its okay mama its okay.  "its going to be all better".  That is what we tell our toddlers, our preschoolers when they get hurt a kiss and its going to be all better and how do I tell her its not  all better honey.  I imagine them so many times playing together.  Jayden would have been 4 months and laughing and it just breaks my heart that he is not here with them.  

3 months.. Oh there is so much pain.....

Today it marks 3 months since those horrible days of February 4 to 6; when our baby fell sleep in death.  Today, we met with two of our good friends for dinner and the restaurant which we did not realize was  pass the hospital.  It was so painful its like my heart drop down again and started to hurt again like I was having a heart attack.  Driving the road remembering that he was not with us when we left the hospital.  It is so painful just to even remember those days..... I miss my baby so much.  We were walking to the restaurant and there was a guy walking with his baby who was just starting to walk.  Ohhh the pain .... I looked at Jared and he just look down.  I feel so sad that we dont have our baby.  That Jared will not be able to hold his hand and walk with him. I keep holding down to the amazing husband I have because I do not know what I will do and where I will be if he was not as understanding as he is. We know and truly believe that Jehovah, God will give him back to us during resurrection but waiting is too hard.  I ponder so much of what Jayden would have been doing by now.  I ponder over  all the milestones that other babies we see are reaching and we dont have our baby.  I hate this time of the month because it brings me to reality and it reminds that time keeps passing by and that we just dont have our baby; that our girls are growing up without him.  Its 3 months and I thought I will feel better but not much has changed... its true some days go by faster others slowly but we miss him so much.  We will continue to wait  there is no choice we will continue to try to be our best to try to be good people.... so that we can be there when our baby comes back.  Holding down to the promise of resurrection,  its one of the only things that helps me wake up every morning and look at the future ahead. 

A boys connection.....

Its 5 am honey the hardest hour of the day it used to be our time.  You will nurse and I will hold you and look at you until 6:45 right before your crazy sisters were up.  Daddy leaves to work and I stay in this bed thinking about you.  About our time together.  Jayden baby,  daddy and I were talking about the connection I had with you.  I love both of your sisters but my connection with you was super special.  Having Jayda your older sister as new parents we were both concern and worry.  I was terrify of loosing her.  Kylie's pregnancy was slightly complicated and we worry all the time about her.  However,  I could not nursed them I try and try but it did not work.  I also was ready to go back to work.  With you my baby it was so different.  At 7 months pregnant I had stop working and I knew I was not going back.  I told daddy " I will not go back to work until his first day of school".  I enjoyed your pregnancy honey.  it really could not be better.  The delivery was harder than your sisters but relatively easy.  You were such a big boy almost 9 pounds at 39 weeks.  The moment I saw you honey I fell in love with you.  And then you were a pro at nursing.  I will hold you and spent so much time with you my little man daddy will say "I am your husband you know"... I love so much to be with you.  Today honey we endure the biggest pain of waiting and waiting and waiting some more for the day when we can see you again.  We thought of having another baby but We both worry so much could this happen again? Also afraid of having the connection again.  it has to be a mom and son connection.  We do not think we would have another boy with the amount of girls in our families.  My heart is so broken but it treasures our special connection A Boys connection.   I love you.