Jayden's 1st. Birthday

Today, at 1:47pm would have been my baby boy's first birthday.  I thought I was going to have the strenght to go to the cementery.  It rain until early afternoon pouring here in NJ.  Jared and I never change from our PJ's we ate sandwhiches and had bowls of chocolate ice cream.  i cried about 8 times thinking of my baby.  We received many messages from many friends.  The truth is we are very slowly learning to accept that he is gone.  The only comfort we have is that he is not suffering anywhere.  But we miss him so very much.  I need him so much.  The arrival of Kyle in a few weeks, his kicks and non-stop movement made me stop crying today.  Jayda and Kylie's smiles and huggs helped us get through this day where we would have been so proud of our baby reaching his first year.  i must learn to accept I will never be the same.
 I will never be complete.
 Oh Jayden if you just knew my baby how much mommy needs you.  I will never forget you, I promised you will forever be part of this unit.  I hold on to your pictures, to your blankie.  Your brother I'm sure will miss you as much as your sisters do today.  we hope to be reunited soon.  Please God give me so strenght - I'm not sure I can wait any longer.

My anniversary

Today makes our Fifth year anniversary. I look forward to this day every year but specially last year.  Our fourth year anniversary I was 36 weeks pregnant We did a photo shoot of the girls and us.  It was the first time and first pregnancy I got Maternity pictures.  We had fun and then we went to dinner. I remember telling Jared, Next Year we will go to Europe its one of my dreams Jayda and Kylie would be older and our little boy will be almost one. This anniversary its shadow with pain.  I dont even feel like celebrating anything.  Our girls are older but Im not sure I could leave them to go to a trip overseas.  Our baby is gone with his first birthday coming up. Im still so broken.  I'm pregnant and this pregnancy its helping Me not  stay home n cry all day long, I feel exausted.  I never thought his day will be like this.
Pain exist thats for sure.

10 Months

Yesterday Jayden would have been 10 months.  I cant believe his birthday will be here so soon.  I always complaint about how when I dream with Jayden is amazing but he always is been hold by someone else I dont get to do it.  Last night it was different there I was holding him and maybe the whole dream was not long but in the dream it was for a while.  He look big and really good my baby.  I always tell people in my dreams look he didnt die.  This time I even told my mom look im not dreaming I'm really holding him.  I showed him to everyone he just look so handsome.  Suddenly, I heard a distant voice Kylie my 2 year old say: "baby, where are you"? She had drop her bear under the crib not sure how but she couldnt see him and she was looking for him.  I looked in the monitor and I know I had to go get her.  I didnt cry right away it was beautiful to be with Jayden to hold him to give him kisses to show him.  After it all processed I broke down because its not like i choose when I dream with him, I will choose every night.  It has happened 4 times now since we lost him.  4 clear vivid dreams.  This time the dream was in color.  I could see the house the bedrooms the blankets many details.  I miss him so much.  I told my husband its not our baby in the belly because I was pregnant with this baby in my dream. 

Drowning in Pain - Unable to write

I noticed that I tend to write when I'm in so much pain, but when I write I dont even make complete sense.  Im  rewriting this post now that im calm and not crying nonstop. This is a very dark dark road. Sometimes it feels like I cant take another breath.  I have these dreams once in a while in them Jayden is always fine he is happy, he is walking normally either he is playing with our girls or Jared is holding him.  As soon as I wake up I realize my baby is gone, he is not there.  I never get to hold him in my dreams its so painful to wake up to this reality.  The word pain doesnt even describe, the torture that it is to live without him.  I feel so angry so powerless that there is nothing I can do about it he is gone.  Our girls have helped us so much, but its like a double knife I dont want to cry in front of them all the time or be sad, I want to be a good mommy for them.  Then I feel guilty if I dont think of Jayden, I feel guillty that I'm smiling without him.  I know no one that is part of my family understands because none have lost a child.  I know Jared and my sisters who spent most of the time with Jayden besides me have lost their innocense when it comes to pain and sorrow.   My youngest sister was helping me clean the closets and she found a red winter hat with mittens and a tiny scarf that she bought for Jayden last January for this year.  It was for 12 to 18 months.  She looked at it and said I'm sorry and walk away.  Its a mess up situation all around.  There is no good in what happen.  I have the hardest time not knowing what happen to Jayden, it questions the mortality of my girls of Jared of the ones I love.  

IT'S A BOY!!!

Tomorrow my baby Jayden would have been 9 months old.  I miss him so very much.  Every single day I grieve the fact that he is gone.  Today at 20 weeks pregnant we found out we are having his baby brother.  I broke down ad started crying because its terrifying its so scary to think that we may loose this baby too.  We have our two older girls and for some reason I thought that having another girl will be easier since our girls are alive and our son is gone.  The technician looked at me and said well God may be giving you a son back and Im due on February 6th the day we lost our baby.  We know God had nothing to do with Jayden been gone. We also know that God will give him back to us one day 

And its the only thing that helps today.  Its not that Im strong I have no choice I must keep going my girls, my husband and now our 

Baby boy that is growing inside my belly need me so much.  Jayden will mean everything to me always and to our unit u mommy, daddy, n sisters.  And his little brother will know how my mommy fell in love once again with his brother.  We are happy but terrify at the same time.  

Need to Write

Its been a while since I been here.  We had one of the grandmother's died at 90 years of age.  It was not as hard as we expected. Maybe its because we already experience the worst.  She had an amazing life.  We worry about grandpa just because he is 92 and when you are marry for 67 years its just painful to be alone. We been so busy taking care of all of that.  I have to say that it will be 8 months very soon since we lost Jayden.  It hurts I cry often but not as often as the first 6 months.  Also, Im 20 weeks pregnant now and I know that i have to take care of this baby that its growing so fast.  It has given us something nice and exciting to look forward to. My relationship with Jayden was so special and I miss him every single day.  im trying to stay  positive and constantly looking into the hope of resurrection that Jehovah, God has provided.  Some days I breath better than others. Its always the smal things that break me up.  

Decisions

When your child dies; All of the sudden you have to make decisions out o no where and in a short amount of time.  Where to bury your child? Do you want a get together after the funeral? What clothes to wear to the funeral? What do you want the baby to be dress like? I mean come on,  there are so many decisions and no time to think or change your mind.

Today, I was asked to think of the possibility of moving away, the possibility of going back to work.  I know it was a plan.  A decision we had made.  My baby Jayden would have been 8 months today and I would have not hesitated  a bit.  Since I lost Jayden, I do not know if I
Could ever go back to work? How can I work with baby collections and see babies all day If My sOn is NOT HERE! How can I move away to another area, another state if I would have to leave him here all alone? Am I been unrealistic?  am i been selfish with my family?
i just dont think i can do it.  i will always be in pain and missing my baby, but the thought of knowing he is bury miles and miles away terrifies me.  i just can not think now either.  i know i will break down seeing 8 month baby boys right now anywhere.  i also know that my heart will ache much more if we were to move away and I will have to leave him behind.

You live and You learn..

iI remember hearing that.  someone said that to me well you live and you learn.  No No and No.  I do not know what is my lesson.  My son died and I do not know why.  I just can not find the lesson that is why I believe is so stupid for someone to say that.  Its not like I made wrong business transaction or I tok the express train instead of local from manhattan to brooklyn.  No one has told me what was it that I did wrong.  Im in so much pain and I feel so far away from the old Kira who laugh and enjoy life so much more.  im not the same and I have not figured out what I was suppose to learn from my child dying.  

6 MONTHS

6 Months today since Jayden stop breathing while he was taking his nap.  my heart still broken today, but the last 2 months have been so hard.  i have felt so much pain that for  the past week I have been working on been ready for this weekend; I have been gentle, I have been exercising, running mostly and eating comfort dessert and stay away from stupid people who can make painful comments.  Now at 14 weeks pregnant I'm terrify for the future of this baby.  Last year when I was pregnant at this time I was so excited I had found out it was a boy and I could not be more thrilled and excited since I remember I wanted so much to have a boy. Today I'm excited but the excitement is so limited because of the fear, because I have to accept that I have taken a risk of loosing this baby.  I have gotten 3 different opinions with different ME's. I have met with three ifferent pediatrics ad till no answer.  Still no one has any idea of what happen to my baby.  Im a believer of medicine but its so painful to not know what happen.  And even tough everyone says you did everything right I feel I mess up somewhere.  if not my baby would be here.

Jayden

Oh my baby I miss you so much.  
This pain is so sharp, its beyond what I
Can take.  Your sister Jayda found a blue blanket
That someone had knitted for you in the chest
That daddy built. She was playing and took all
The blankets out. She said "mommy but where is
Jayden, I want to give him his blankie"... my tears started
To roll out nonstop. I wish you could be here. Jayda is such
A good sister.  Kylie is more in her ways but super lovable,
It hurts me so much when they ask where you are.
Its so painful.  It hurts me to think how you would have enjoy
Playing, laughing even fighting with them.  

Maxie

Today, I will take this space to share to the friends that read my blog a little bit about Maxie. Maxie was 9 and half months and a year ago he was taken from his parents by death. A year full of pain and sorrow for his mommy and daddy.  Today we take the time to remember him. Abby his mommy has been a tremendous amount of support to me with her encouraging words and understanding.  Understanding of  a rollercoaster of emotions that I know its hard for others  to understand or even imagine.  Maxie's parents are raising money in the battle against SIDS.  Here its her blog address: missingmaxie.blogspot.com.

Today, my baby, Jayden will have been 7 months. It pains my heart everyday he is not here.

OTHER BABIES........

I noticed my pain its at it worse stage now.
Everyone I know that has gone thru this road say that
4 to 6 months are the hardest!  Anyway since we
Have the girls, we always have done fine with other children.
Most of my girls friends are other little girls their age.
There are a couple of boys.  It has not really bother me to be around
Other children until now.  This weekend we attended a convention and there
Were children.  What are the chances that in over 5000 people
I will seat behind one baby boy that was 7 weeks old the age at which we lost Jayden and 2 other baby boys that were born a week apart from Jayden one older one younger.  After just sitting for a few minutes I broke down remembering that is how big my baby was when we lost him.
And the worst that is the age he will be, He will be sitting. He will be spoon fed baby food, he will smile, he will have been kicking.
I realized that 2 month old baby boys will always remind me of my baby and they will trigger emotions and pain.  Also that babies that were born around my babies age will forever remind me where my son would have been if he had not DIED.  I felt jealous, upset and alone.
How come these moms had their boys there just fine and mine was not.
I know it sounds bad but what was it that I did wrong to deserve a life without my baby? a life of waiting until I see him gain, the waiting?
Forever these two groups of babies will trigger a pain that is hard to controll.

ANGER!!!!

We went to the family reunion this weekend. 

The past two weeks have been extremely hard. 

Painful, its real my baby died and he is not here.

I found myself so angry lately.  I been told Im going

"To push people away", its just so unfair.  I cant stand

That so many people say, "we love you" or "we miss you"

However. they dont mentioned my baby, they dont ask:

How are you feeling? Its like nothing happen. 

I'm in scrutiating pain and all you can say its something 

That has no meaning because Love its shown through actions. 

However, there is something that just makes m 

So Angry.  I went to the pool at the hotel and watch my three

Year old every move. There was another mom there with a lttle boy. 

He was not even 2 most likely 18 months. 

She went to sleep, while he walk around h pol. 

He was scared of the water but he slip  and fell twice. 

I picked him up.  The second time it happen I wke up the 

Mom.  She looked at me and said he is okay. 

I decided to leave and she just pick up her book and started to read. 

I looked behind and there was the little aby just staring t me. 

We were at the swings with the girls. 

And while it was close to 100 degrees I had sippy cups and 

Kept giving it to the girls and sun block. There was another baby 

2 years old with her 6 year old sister and I was worry about her

Getting dehydrated or burn.  Their mom was at a bench  just sitting. 

I dont understand these are just a few examples.  

Im not saying Im the best mom but I swear I 

Always been like that with my kids and look my son is 

GONE.  Is it because Im all over them, 

If I'm like these other moms my kids would be okay? 

Its not fair, these moms do not deseve these babies. 

IJared says its because children are a bother for these parents. 

Its not the case with us.  We yearn to have our children.  We 

Change our lives to adjust anything that will be better for them.

GUILTY

Jayden.... my baby.  I do NOT want to believe that you are gone.  

There is so much pain in my heart.  I hate that you are not here. 

I feel guilty all the time.  Why I was not there?  I know everyone 

Says "there is nothing you could have done", but no one can 

KNOW for sure.  I was the mom and I mess up so badly by not

Been there, by not Noticing something was going to happen.  

Today, I feel guilty because I should want to be alive all the time.

I should want to be here, your sisters, your dad, your aunts. They 

All need me. But sometimes like today, I will rather die. I will rather 

Be asleep as you are, wake up in the resurrection when the time comes. 

I dont want to live with this pain. 

it feels beyond anything that I can keep

taking. It feels like I'm strong one day and the next 

Im so broken.  

I feel guilty for wanting the rest of the family to 

REMEMBER you.  is their faith greater than mine?  Most likely. 

I should not want them to be sad or upset, but I want aknowledgement 

Of your existence. 

Words cant describe what it means to live wthout you. 

Another month...

Today it marks another month.   Another month since my baby stop breathing.  I cant stand the amount that has passed by. And with this day it comes all the reminders of the day.  Life is so imcomplete.  Our girls are the biggest strenght we can probably have.  They keep us going, they wake us up.  We thank God for them, but there is always fear; fear of loosing them.  Fear of loosing the baby on the way.  I have never been this sick and the past month i had pneumonia and now i just had another cold that trigger an asthma attack.  I have not had an episode of asthma in 7 years.  The doctor explained that between the trauma, the cold, the allergies- my body is so weak. I'm feeling slightly better.  I miss Jayden so much- I know I say that all the time; I JUST DO.  I just need him.  Here is a picture of him and I at the hospital when he was just born.  Oh my baby my heart will be forever missing you- until the day I hold you again. 

Selfish

Sometimes is so unreal to me that people can say the most insensitive things.  maybe its because I grew up in a family where there was no room for being insensitive.  Pain was shown to us and display that it exist and to be careful.  Still I never ever though to find my self in so much pain.  This past weekend I was at the supermarket and I saw someone that doesn't really know me.  She knows my husband's family.  She ask how u doing? I said I'm okay.  She said is good to see that you are not being selfish, you can't drowned in pain that would be so selfish of you towards your two other children and your husband.  i was shock I just couldn't believe it and then she said okay I have to pick up ice cream can't be selfish with the kids.  I just left did not even said bye.  I literally turn around.  Im being selfish for been in pain. Its not that I love my girls any less but why would people not understand that loosing Jayden change my world my life who I am, who I will be, that the pain I feel is so deep within me.

My baby - 6 months

Jayden, honey I dream of this day for so long.  I dreamed of you being 6 months of taking you to the beach.  Of showing you off at the coming family reunion we even bought your outfit for it.  Now, I start to get ready and I cry and cry that we are going away and you are not going to be there.  Its my first family reunion since your daddys entire family only does it once every 10 years.  But I dream of you so much.  You were going to be the baby in the family and most gorgeous child ( at least in our eyes).  Today we saw your baby brother or sister in the sonogram. We saw the heartbeat and got our little picture and then we received the news; that our dating was wrong and that the new baby due date is February 6th.  Thats the day you were gone.  I laugh and cry thinking of the new baby.  Oh my baby how much I need you.  How much I miss you.  Everyday I look at your pictures and everyday I talk to you hoping that you are there.  The fear and the joy and the tears that never stop: its just a major rollercoaster of emotions.  We love you so much and we know we will never forget you even though not one person from our family remembered that you would have been 6 months today. And if they did they did not let us know.  Is it too painful to people?  Its scrutiating pain for us.  I cant even write anymore.......

MISSING YOU SO MUCH......

O my baby.  I feel like I keep falling into a depression.  For so many months I could not sleep.  Now I can and I seem to sleep so much more.  I think the main reason is that I know in my dreams you are fine.  Last night I dreamed of you.  In my dreams you were 6 months old which you would have been this coming thursday.  You were standing up holding to the chair. You look beautiful.  I was confused in the dream I was thinking of nightime and I looked in the room I saw a bed and a crib where your sisters sleep and I looked at daddy and I said why did we think he died.  Look he is fine.  Daddy said he is in our room.  I hate waking up I hated it.  In my dreams is the only place where I hold you and its 1 am and i want to sleep and i want to be with you.  O my baby....I miss you so much.  I want to go back and change the past...I feel like Im tight down and I can not move. I can not go get you.  I'm sorry I have not been to the graveside, the was horrible.  I got there and there you were in the white box. Why?  so many times I asked my self is it really true did I loose him?  The pain has taken over so many days like today.  I feel like I cant anymore and then its like Im smack in the face and reminded of your sisters , of daddy, of our faith. but i have thought so many times of dying.  I cry everyday and everyday I go into your sisters room and I look at your picture and I talk to you and I ask how you doing...............there is no response............i cant with this pain.

Friends

I miss who I was.  I was always happy, always optimistic.  I miss been the person.  Today, yes I do still smile but only those that have taken the time in the past to get to know exactly who I am know that the pain and the emptiness is all over my face.  One of our friends said to me last thursday: Kira, I'm sorry I have not sent a card for what happen.  It was too painful for us.  I bought one but I didnt know what to say. Know that to us today we looked at you guys and we dont only see Jared and you and the girls we see Jayden with you guys.  He was real, you shared him, you were so proud.  And we love you guys so much.  Always ready to help.  It was true and genuine her comment I wish I could have help my baby. Its true today as I was thinking about it; we have received many many cards hundredths of them since our son die.  But those very close friends many of them have not been able to.  And its not necessary just their looks in their faces, their huggs, their genuine interest in mentioning our son is more than enough.  I dont know exactly what we will do without them.  They managed to make us laugh, to make dinner to bring the most simple presents as gummy bears for our girls it means a lot.  I'm sorry Im not the same today.  I honestly do not believe I will ever be the same until the day I hold my baby again.  I dont think I have become a better person, I have not.  Maybe today I'm more worried and more fearful of the future but not better.  I miss my baby everyday, every single day its a torture to think he is gone.

8 Weeks Pregnant..

We found out 2 weeks ago that we are expecting.  even though at another time we would have been thrilled and super excited with many dreams ahead. 

This happiness is cloud with many fears with so much pain.  will this baby make it pass 6 weeks and 5 days? i did so many different things when I was pregnant with Jayden, Im determined to do everything different just as we did with our first girl. Even taking the most expensive pre natal vitamins.  no more coffee, exercise, i wont breastfeed, i didnt with the girls and they are alive and he is not.  why does it have to be so painful?  i will push  pacifier.  i will do everything like the girls... I couldnt loose another baby.  and then dumb m i search to see if there are parents that have lost 2 babies t SIDS and found out it has happen and i cry and cry in fear.  i fee

February 4 to 6.

it marks 4 months today since those 3 horrible days.
I get this flashbacks...

Saturday February 4th, 3:42pm Jared comes into the bedroom I holding Jayden nursing him.
Jared asks me to get Kylie - he is going to the porch to check on his brother.  .  I said im done just looking at my adorable baby.
I got dress and look at him.  i got Kylie from him. Jayda came running into the room. I said No honey baby Jayden is going night but I turned on the light.  I still remember his eyes just responding to the light he was in his back.

After dinner at 5:40 Jared says Im going to go get Jayden. I said Ill take the girls to bath and Ill nurse after that.  I suddenly heard him screaming and I went there... He was giving the baby CPR, i called the ambulance.  they got there in just a few minutes.

They took over, the police was there and I looked and Jared was in the floor crying destroyed.  The officer said we need to talk to you.  I told the lady I need to go with you.  after a few minutes they said we got a heart beat.  I told the ambulance guy thank you o much and I cry .

Once in the doctor they said to me wait here.  we have to wait for the doctor. the officer got there too and said we need to speak to you.  Jared got there and our friends were there i a few minutes later.
They took our girls who were in the car.
At 6:19 the doctor came in and said  he has a heart beat but its not breathing on his own.  We are sending him to ICU.  a specialized doctor will take him.

The waiting was long over 3 hours.
The doctor came in and said, Im sorry it does not look good.
I dont believe he is going home.  I repeated my story to every doctor.
I Broke down and they had to get me water.  i didnt want to belief and I asked what is the best scenario.  he said that your baby wakes up. but we both know that is not going to happen.  I have to be honest with you.  Another doctor came in and said "Im the head of the department I will take your babys case, we will try everything".  2am and our elders were there.
Our family was in the way.  My sisters had gone straight home to take care of the girls. The doctor that took care of our baby was kind.  Every 8 hours we met to go over what he was doing.  Still no breathin.
His other organs were starting to fail.  We were loosing him and it was real.  my stomach hurted so much.  My heart was broken.  I will go in the room to see him there were always 2 nurses with him but I will cry and cry just looking at him like that.  He had every machine attach.  By Sunday night most of our friends were there or had come by.  Monday at 3am the nurses came to our chairs were we lay down and they said we are loosing him now he i not breathing thru the machines.  the pain was so real I could barely moved.  We went towards him.  I talked to Jayden I asked him to please wake up.  He continue breathing thru the machine. And his blood levels started to get better.  The doctor met with us monday morning and said, his liver is deteriorating and we have no brain activity for more than 12 hours. The neurologist is coming back. A neurologist from NY was called as well to get her opinion.  The neurologist came and they both took him and said.  He is gone we do not see any signs of activity or dreams, no reactions.  You need to makedecision but we are declaring him on brain damage and I aw the neurologst tears would not stop.  They were very kind.  The doctor came and spke to me and said, we can wait but he will get worse or we can stop the breathing machine and he will be gone in seconds.  We waited 8more hours. Th doctor said Im sorry I have been in your side of the bed and I lost my son. At 3:29 his heart stop beating and the pain just was worse.  is it a nightmare.  Please wake me up. Please, some mercy
Still today I remember details of those horrible days and this date is a reminder of how many months my baby is gone.  The pain feels sharp it hurts so much.  I have many days that go faster but I have cry each of those days.  I wnder if its ever going to get better.  i have hopes I try so hard to stay positive.  i do feel like something in me has died. Im not the same.  I Cant be truly happy.  Last night was horrible and nice.  I dream Jayden was here.  he was 6 months walking around the coffee  table.
He was fine and I asked my husband in my dream he is fine he didnt die.  I was confused in my dream and I ask myself but where does he sleep.  The crib was gone.

Im happy that he is growing in my dreams is not the first time that it hppens. I just cant stand reality.

Jayden

The amount of dreams I had with you baby.

I love you so much my baby.  You were everything

I ever waited for.  I miss you everyday and sometimes

It seems like life can not keep going without you. 

But daddy and your sisters need me so much, I dont

Have a choice. I'm glad that I did spent so much

Time with you and that I hold you so much, my biggest 

Wish to have a SON was finally granted.  i had so many 

DREAMS........ it just the time was not enough

I dream of teaching you how to dance.

I dream of teaching you how to be a gentleman. 

I dream of you loving Jehovah, God and served him.

I dream of you wrestling and putting a fight 

Because everyone knows how difficult it could be to have 

2 big sisters. 

I dream of you learning to swim and loving the ocean just like 

Daddy and I.  

I dream of your first day of school I even thought i will start

Teaching just to be near all 3 of you.

I dream of your first girlfriend-- ( I had promised to be the best 

Mother in Law) 

I dream of you giving talks in the congregation. 

I dream of you getting marry.

I dream of you having children.

Today there are no more dreams.

My heart feels broken ... tear so apart.

I know I will see you again one day, I know ...

But its the waiting.......

I love you mi vida. 

Anger....WHY???

Im so angry sometimes.  I cant believe
Its true Jayden is not here.  I do I do feel guilty
For not doing things differently.  what if I
Would have taken him to nap in the swing?
What if I would have ask my husband to stay
Inside instead of going to help his brother and
Feed our girls so I could stay with Jayden?
What if I would have tell my sisters to come over
When they called the previous day?
What if he would have cry?
What if I would have let my 3 year old daughter
Go in the room and turn on the light? would I
Have found him just in time?
Why did I give him a 2 hour Nap?
Why didnt I push the pacifier?
Why didnt I bottlefed?
Why I didnt put him in the snuggle nest and brought him
To the girls bedroom?
Why I did not go change my shirt after cooking?
Why Jehovah, why him?
There is so many questions and again
Im the mom im suppose to know...
What did I do? anything else I could
Have taken, I feel so guilty.  its just NOT fair.
Its so painful..... it hurts and hurts.

pain....

Today... it seems like I was been shaken from

One side of the boat to the other.  i dont know

If everybody feels like that but I feel very lost.

Or maybe like Maxie's mommy puts it like 

Im existing not living.  i saw a baby today exactly 

Jaydens age... and normally Im okay looking at

Babies.  We love kids with Jared being one of 9 and 

Im one of 7 we just love them but I couldnt look

At the baby.  i ignored them we were at a kids party. 

Mostly 3 years old and i took my girls.  this lady id not know me

But I felt pain thinking I dont have my baby in arms. 

I cant help to ask myself what was it that I didn 

We strive to be good in all situations.  and people

Always say you are a good mommy...

Why....... us. why...

5 MONTHS....

Jayden will have been 5 months.  Oh 

I miss him so much..... I cant stand time.

I wonder what would he been doing now?

Would he be pulling himself up? like my girls did.

Would he be sitting in the high chair watching me make dinner?

This day its always a reminder.... 

We did arts and crafts yesterday and we painted a bird house.  

Jayda my 3 year old said... momma its so cute just like 

Jayden...okay I got to show it to him.  My heart feels o broken. 

She still does not understand.  I dont like the word 

"DEATH"... and for Now I refuse to tell my daughter that. 

Its interesting how many people I have met lately

That have lost kids.  I realized I become part of a circle that I dont want or

Wish anyone to join!!! 

Jayden one day I will see you again and I will hold you

So tight and you will grow and get to know your sisters. 

Know that mommy and daddy believ very much on the hope.  

Its just the waiting part its so hard my baby. 

LOST

i feel so lost lately.  im so tired and
I have gain 15 pounds in the past 3 months.
The doctor says its part of the PTSD.
Some people loose others gain of course i gain.
I cant sleep. I miss my baby Jayden, he was ll
I ever dream of.  my baby boy.  Its crazy
How hard some days can be...
We had plan to have a baby brother or sisterin 2013.
Now neither Jared o I want to wait.. But
I have so many fears.  I have read every book
Or article related to SIDS.  its just so unfair. 

PTSD

So Im officially diagnosed with PTSD.  so what
The doctor wants me to take sleeping spills
But they dont work.  I have been sleeping only
About 4 hours a day.  i drink at least 3 cups of coffe a
Day just to stay up with the girls and then
Therapy I just dont know its scary.

I read the whole ME report today and there was
NOTHING- 9 pound full term baby.   NOT
Sick at all.  Easy pregnancy.  1 hour and 20
Minute labor and delivery.  what went wrong
What did I do?  I breastfed for the first time.
I didnt push the pacifier. I have never smoke
The temperature in his room was set at 70
Degrees.  i mean what was it? what?  My child look so healthy
I mean at 6 weeks he was 14 LBS.

I just want to understand.  so having healthy children is
NOT enough.  It will never be.  and as
Much as people and doctors keep saying
IT was not your fault. it feels like it is.
I was the "MOM" it was my job to take care of him.

Pictures.... sometimes the good memories just hurt...

I finally was able to go to through the pictures of our baby; oh it hurts so much; how much i miss him; how much my heart is broken.  how much pain im in today and every day with every smile with every laugh the pain is like a shadow that is always present.  These are some of my favorite shots.  o my baby... the pain of the heart it goes beyond. 

Our girls.

Today once again I woke up our 19 month old Kylie from her nap.  Everytime she sleeps so soundly I get so scared.  Our two girls have helped us to keep going but its so painful.  I hate when people tell me you have two other kids right?  It does not matter if we had 10. Jayden was my little man.  Our oldest Jayda will be 3 in a couple of  months and she is constantly reminding me "where is my baby Jayden?"  She looks at his picture in the wall,  she points to him and says "he is so cute"  i immediately I start crying.  I have to stop myself because two seconds later she tells me its okay mama its okay.  "its going to be all better".  That is what we tell our toddlers, our preschoolers when they get hurt a kiss and its going to be all better and how do I tell her its not  all better honey.  I imagine them so many times playing together.  Jayden would have been 4 months and laughing and it just breaks my heart that he is not here with them.  

3 months.. Oh there is so much pain.....

Today it marks 3 months since those horrible days of February 4 to 6; when our baby fell sleep in death.  Today, we met with two of our good friends for dinner and the restaurant which we did not realize was  pass the hospital.  It was so painful its like my heart drop down again and started to hurt again like I was having a heart attack.  Driving the road remembering that he was not with us when we left the hospital.  It is so painful just to even remember those days..... I miss my baby so much.  We were walking to the restaurant and there was a guy walking with his baby who was just starting to walk.  Ohhh the pain .... I looked at Jared and he just look down.  I feel so sad that we dont have our baby.  That Jared will not be able to hold his hand and walk with him. I keep holding down to the amazing husband I have because I do not know what I will do and where I will be if he was not as understanding as he is. We know and truly believe that Jehovah, God will give him back to us during resurrection but waiting is too hard.  I ponder so much of what Jayden would have been doing by now.  I ponder over  all the milestones that other babies we see are reaching and we dont have our baby.  I hate this time of the month because it brings me to reality and it reminds that time keeps passing by and that we just dont have our baby; that our girls are growing up without him.  Its 3 months and I thought I will feel better but not much has changed... its true some days go by faster others slowly but we miss him so much.  We will continue to wait  there is no choice we will continue to try to be our best to try to be good people.... so that we can be there when our baby comes back.  Holding down to the promise of resurrection,  its one of the only things that helps me wake up every morning and look at the future ahead. 

A boys connection.....

Its 5 am honey the hardest hour of the day it used to be our time.  You will nurse and I will hold you and look at you until 6:45 right before your crazy sisters were up.  Daddy leaves to work and I stay in this bed thinking about you.  About our time together.  Jayden baby,  daddy and I were talking about the connection I had with you.  I love both of your sisters but my connection with you was super special.  Having Jayda your older sister as new parents we were both concern and worry.  I was terrify of loosing her.  Kylie's pregnancy was slightly complicated and we worry all the time about her.  However,  I could not nursed them I try and try but it did not work.  I also was ready to go back to work.  With you my baby it was so different.  At 7 months pregnant I had stop working and I knew I was not going back.  I told daddy " I will not go back to work until his first day of school".  I enjoyed your pregnancy honey.  it really could not be better.  The delivery was harder than your sisters but relatively easy.  You were such a big boy almost 9 pounds at 39 weeks.  The moment I saw you honey I fell in love with you.  And then you were a pro at nursing.  I will hold you and spent so much time with you my little man daddy will say "I am your husband you know"... I love so much to be with you.  Today honey we endure the biggest pain of waiting and waiting and waiting some more for the day when we can see you again.  We thought of having another baby but We both worry so much could this happen again? Also afraid of having the connection again.  it has to be a mom and son connection.  We do not think we would have another boy with the amount of girls in our families.  My heart is so broken but it treasures our special connection A Boys connection.   I love you.

He is remember...

Its almost 3 months now and I finally decided to open the box.  Thats where my husband will put all the cards and messages people have sent .  i know that my baby is not forgotten I feel like that because I am his mom I want to talk about him and our girls all the time and people are afraid to hurt my feelings I know that's the main reason not to metion him or because I cry almost every single time I talk about him.  I open the box 172 cards;  two letters that touch my heart.  one of them my husband cousin who was at the hospital who does not  have kids but saw the love that we have for our boy and a dear older friend of my husband who sent us a beautiful experience.  We do strongly believe in a resurrection.  and in the experience it talked about the importance of keeping the appointment to be there when Jehovah, God and his son bring our child back.  I cry a lot today reading so many messages but its finally open.  

how much I miss you

Loosing my precious baby boy Jayden at 6 weeks old there is no other pain like this. I cry cry and cry some more.  he is my first and last thought everyday.  this past week was the hardest the ME called after 10 weeks the autopsy is complete.  no answer whatsoever.  i just want to blame something its just not fair.  easy pregnancy, a total of 1 hour and 20 minutes in labor and delivery 9 pound baby.  just healthy and beautiful.  he was down for a nap in his back with no sign of been sick at all.  my husband found and he was gone.  the ambulance er got back a heart beat but after two days of been in ICU on life support and not breathing at all and no activity  he was declared brain dead no activity the doctor said; it was time to let go.  for a while for a long time I wouldn't accept it until last week.  I kept thinking it was not true.  i will wake up to look for him and would have to remember everything again.  i will tell everybody how much I always wanted a boy and how I was in love.  but today most people just would not talk about him.  i feel like he is been forgotten and talk to him every day I know he can not hear me, but I just want to think he here.  even though he is gone.  i never though that so much pain existed. I came to this site and felt understood many of the parents like maxie's mom.